|
GUESTBOOK: SIGN | VIEW 
email: resident7133@ geocities.com |
|
Talking to a 15-year-old female caller who wants breast implants: ADAM: Relax. You’re 15. You got a nice rack going for you. Relax. KELLY HU (GUEST): No kidding. I’d be happy with that. ADAM: Me too. Focus on your studies. CALLER: But ever since I was 12, I’ve wanted them. ADAM: Yeah, I wanted to be the first pirate-astronaut when I was 12. Who cares. from 5-5-2003
Talking to a tattoo artist who does penis tattoos: CALLER: I make 300 dollars an hour. It's wonderful, actually. COREY FELDMAN (GUEST): Tattooing penises? How many penises could you possibly see in a day? ADAM: No, I think he does other parts as well, right? CALLER: Yes, I do. ADAM: You do balls as well? I hear you do balls. CALLER: If they pay enough, yes. ADAM: I hear you do balls, and sunflowers around anuses. COREY FELDMAN: Wait a minute, you've never seriously tattooed someone's ballsack. CALLER: Yes, I have. COREY FELDMAN: Oh my god. CALLER: I tattooed a nice little skull. COREY FELDMAN: That's beautiful. That's a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing. DREW: An aging skull. ADAM: Skull and crossballs. from 1-15-2003
Talking to a caller who wanted to make a documentary on tattooing on the penis: ADAM: If you were gonna do a film on your penis, I would graduate it. DREW: What do you mean? ADAM: Uh, like a beaker. I'd put numbers, and lines on it. I would have standard on the right side and metric on the left side. from 1-13-2003
Talking to a male caller whose wife has been having white secretions ever since they started using sex toys: CALLER: Lately, about the last six, seven months, she's been secreting a white fluid that looks like a man's cum. ADAM: Mm-hmm. DREW: From the vagina? CALLER: From the vagina. We'll do the dildo or something, and man, it'll come out just full of white cum. DREW: That's just a discharge. Maybe she has a yeast infection-- ADAM: Or a little something left over from the pool boy. from 1-9-2003
Talking to a male caller who can't maintain an erection with a woman, but he can when he's masturbating: ADAM: Are you gay? CALLER: No, I'm not gay. ADAM: All right. Maybe your penis is. You ever, uh, catch it sniffing other guys' asses? CALLER: No, I've never been even remotely attracted to men. ADAM: Oh, okay. Because one time I took my penis to the park. DREW: That must've been a disaster. ADAM: Well, I thought it was time to get it some exercise, let it run off some of that ball weight-- DREW: Dig up some gophers? ADAM: You know, this was when I was living in an apartment, and I didn't like the idea of keeping the penis--even though it was a small penis--cooped up in the apartment the whole time. You know what I'm saying? DREW: It wasn't an indoor penis, what are you gonna do? ADAM: It wasn't, no. It was not raised as an indoor penis. On the other hand, now that I live up in the hills, I don't want to let it out, especially at night, because there's coyotes. DREW: Also you get all those cat-tails in there and stuff. He gets caught in it. ADAM: It's not so much about that, and, you know, tracking semen onto the carpet and that kind of stuff. It’s more about--I’ve had some friends that have had their penises eaten off by coyotes, you know, they didn’t come in at night. You know what I'm saying? DREW: Yeah, that's bad. ADAM: You got a problem up at your place too, Drew. DREW: Yeah, we have bobcats. ADAM: You have bobcats? A penis is no match, even uncircumcised. No match for a bobcat. DREW: Yeah, sometimes you can sort of decoy with the prepuce. They just take that and run. ADAM: The foreskin heads that way, the penis goes that way, and the bobcat's gotta make a decision? Well anyway, I took my penis to the park. I was trying sort of to tire it out, so when I got home I could get some rest. You know what I mean? DREW: Yeah. ADAM: There’s nothing worse than when the penis is up and you’re trying to get some sleep. DREW: Oh, it wakes you up to go in the morning, and you have to take it out. It's an outdoor penis! ADAM: And, uh, I went and got a drink of water, and the penis found it sniffing this dude's ass. DREW: Oh, that must've been very disturbing. ADAM: It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. DREW: No, no, I mean more than embarrassing. Think, I mean, the implications. ADAM: I dunno. I had to put the penis down some months later. DREW: Oh. Depressing story. And undoubtedly, you beat it for a while before. ADAM: Before I put it down, yeah. from 1-9-2003
Talking to a female caller whose boyfriend likes her to swallow when she gives him oral sex: ADAM: But I mean, does he like you to swallow it, or does he like you just not to stop when he's having an orgasm? CALLER: Um, he prefers that I swallow. ADAM: Ooh. I dunno if I trust that guy completely. DREW: It's a little bit of an aggressive move, isn't it? CALLER: I mean, don't get me wrong, he doesn't get upset, but it turns him on, and he really likes it. And I like him that much, so I'm willing to do it. ADAM: Well, I'm all right with it. But see, I love women, so I look at them more as semen mules. They need to transport my semen into the toilet for me. You see what I'm saying? DREW: Yeah, because they're doing you a function, a service. ADAM: Yeah. They're carrying it from the bedroom into the toilet. But I don't need them to ingest it, I just need them to mule it into the bathroom so that I don't have to deal with it. CALLER: Okay. ADAM: All right, baby? That's me, I'm a romantic. I'm old-fashioned. I like a semen mule. My father and my grandfather were both that way. My father married a semen mule, you know, and it was his wish that I married a semen mule as well. It's tradition, it's old-fashioned, it's a little bit corny, but that's just the way the Carollas are. from 12-23-2002 (Best of Loveline)
Talking to a woman who had a very painful pregnancy:
DREW: Did you tear into your rectum? About crabs (pubic lice): "There is no God. Why would God make a crab? Do you think Noah put a crab on the Ark? What kind of thinking was that?" About what would happen if he got a bidet in his house: "Wherever it went is where I would went." To a male caller who said that smoke came out of his girlfriend's vagina after they had sex: "I'm guessing it was the ghost of her former boyfriend." CALLER: I can make my boyfriend orgasm really fast, but he can't make me orgasm. He feels really bad. He's always like, "I'm so sorry," and he'll just lay there afterwards because he feels so bad. ADAM: Okay. Man, that sounds like a bizarre relationship, him crying and apologizing with an erect penis. After a caller complained that his girlfriend urinated while they were having anal sex: "What do you care about urine when your penis is knee-deep in poo?!!" ADAM: I've learned that every scrotum weighs a different amount. No two scrotums weigh the same. Dooley's scrotum is slightly heavier than mine. We weighed them after the show. DREW: Does that bother you? ADAM: No, because he wieghs more than I do. The scrotum is proportional to body size. DREW: I see. ADAM: Drew's is slightly lighter than mine. Actually, Drew's weighed a little more than mine did, but mine was empty. I hit some traffic on the 10 that day, on the ride in. CALLER: I have this zit-type thing on my penis. ADAM: That IS your penis. About whether there's a noticeable difference between normal semen and post-vasectomy semen:
ADAM: So it's not like sugar and Sweet 'N' Low, where you say, "Hmm, what's this?" To a promiscuous 16-year-old girl:
CALLER: I haven't done anything in two weeks. To "Jack," a caller:
ADAM: So Jack, it hurts when your girlfriend gives you oral sex? To a guy who complains that his penis is too sensitive because he hasn't been circumcised: "You need to desensitize your penis. Take one of those mules to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, with your foreskin pulled back." After talking about how fatter women have bigger breasts: "The beauty of being a guy is, if I put on 400 pounds, NOT AN OUNCE of it would go to my penis. Only my ass and thighs would get bigger, and my penis would actually look smaller." Talking to a caller who had a breast reduction:
CALLER: The only scars from it are barely visible. Also...
ADAM: They took a "before" picture, didn't they? About cellulite: "If it's on someone good-looking, it makes her more flawed, which makes her more accessible, which means you might be able to have her." CALLER: I was wondering if there was any way to make bodily fluids taste better. DREW: This has been brought up numerous times, and the answer is no. ADAM: Listen, you drink 400 gallons of pineapple juice, and it's like, now his semen tastes like semen, with a little bit of pineapple juice in it. To a woman who can't have orgasms ever since her most recent pregnancy: "Is the pool man doing everything the same way he did the first time?" Also... "Maybe she needs to get pregnant again. You know, like when Gilligan would get hit on the head with a coconut and lose his memory, and he'd have to get hit on the head with another coconut to get his memory back." Talking to a male sex addict who wants to know if his craving will ever stop: "Well, eventually your prostate jumps out of your ass, taps you on the shoulder and says, 'All right, buddy, that's enough. I've been talking with the testes, and we think it's time to quit.'" "I can understand stupid guys not understanding politics, but the penis? That is just a base piece of knowledge that every man should have. I don't give a crap if you don't know what's going on with the ozone, or the Clinton administration, or the Asian economy, but you gotta know the difference between the head of your penis and the foreskin of your penis. You just should!" "When you have a cut, you have to leave it alone and let it scab over so it can heal, right? So when a 14-year-old guy has a cut on his penis, that cut can be there until he's 27." Referring to a split urine stream, which guys occasionally get: "The thing about the split stream is that once you start compensating for it, it straightens out by itself, so you end up urinating on a magazine rack or a tissue box." ADAM: I once had blood in the stool, and I never went to the doctor, but it's gone now. Maybe the Good Lord intervened. Does God intervene with the ass too, or just the upper torso? DREW: Both. ADAM: If I was God, I would stay out of the anus and the colon. DREW: He created those, too. ADAM: Yeah, but that was probably on the seventh day. CALLER: Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex, her vagina gets really tense, and I can't get in. ADAM: Have you tried a running start, and diving onto her with your penis leading the way? "Where's the jugular vein, Drew? In the ass?" "Here is God's cruel joke: by the time a guy figures out how women work, his penis doesn't work anymore." To a guy who was disappointed because his in vitro fertilization failed: "Maybe it was that old bitch's egg." "Here's what I want in a penis: I wish I had a penis long enough so that I can hold the base of it and still have some left to work with. When I grab a handful of my current penis, it disappears." To a girl who involuntarily urinates whenever she orgasms, and was concerned because future boyfriends might not like it: "Let me say two things. First, if you're with a guy who's a virgin, he'll think that all women do this when they orgasm. Second, all guys are into anything flying out of the vagina. For guys, this is a symbol of victory." To a caller who said he couldn't get an erection on his first time having sex: "How ironic! You've been having erections in class during oral reports, you've been having them while changing your gym shorts, you've been having all sorts of unwanted erections for the past five years, but never when your big chance arrives! Probability-wise, one would think that you'd get an erection simply during the time you were with her! . . . But if she were Christie Brinkley, you would never have had this problem." Then, after the caller said he had been worrying, even before the incident, that he was gay: "Uh-oh, now you know! the penis has spoken!" Discussing how pulling out is not an effective form of birth control: "Not only can the pre-ejaculation make you pregnant; I'm convinced that urine can get a girl pregnant as well." To a caller with inverted nipples: "Do you think if you held your nose while you sneezed, you could squeeze one out?" "Your penis is your trophy." (This quote is from the 7-15-97 show; it was in the context of a long speech Adam gave which was so phenomenally ingenious that I feel sorry for you if you missed it!) "Do not worry about the scrotum getting any uglier. It's like saying, 'how can a turkey get any uglier?'" "What is the definition of a multiple orgasm? Same penis, different sperm." "Let's not cry over spilled semen." "God did not put the anus on the forehead, because he knew you'd be looking at it every morning! There are just some things he did not intend for you to see!" Talking to an expert on female circumcision:
ADAM: So if you sew a clitoris as if it were a wound, would it fuse shut? Concerning testicular cancer: "We're so worried about the breasts in this society that we forget about the nards." CALLER: I mind it when my boyfriend sticks his finger [in my anus], but I'd rather have him stick his finger in there than his penis. ADAM: See, with me, you'd never know the difference. "Guess which one has the nail," that's the game I play. It's the lesser of two evils. About his old habit of dumping talc powder down his pants: "Well, it's like wet cement, you can put your initials in my scrotum." "I am lactating. It's just not through my nipples." "I don't know anything about the vagina. It's like Area 51, or Roswell. I have no idea what's going on down there. The vagina is like a grand piano: it's beautiful when it's tuned, but a lot can go wrong and it needs a lot of maintenance. I, on the other hand, have a kazoo." To a guy who called saying that his semen was yellow: "So, the urine is white?" "It's hard to teach an old penis new tricks." Immediately after tirading about people having too many kids:
CALLER: I'm having trouble achieving an erection. Also... "For some reason only rapists seem to have no trouble getting an erection for sex." After hearing Drew explain birth in full detail: "That's it. Now my vagina hurts." To a caller who said that burns appeared on his penis every time he had sex:
ADAM: Jim, I have to ask an important question. You're not dryhumping a remnants pile at Carpeteria, are you? "The only reason why I think there might be a God is because every single drug does devastating harm to the penis. It can't be coincidence. All the effects go STRAIGHT to the junk. It's as if as soon as the stuff enters your body, it asks 'where do I go,' and your brain says, 'oh, take the elevator right down to the penis.'"
|
GEOCITIES
BANNER AD