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After a caller boasted that his dad makes $40 an hour:
“It’s dangerous to tell your kids what you make an hour. Because, you tell the kid you make 30, 40 bucks an hour, they’re like, ‘Let’s see, let’s do the math. What’s my overhead? A couple of TV dinners, and a payment on a Big Wheel. That’s nothing. I’m rich!’ I used to do that with ten bucks an hour all the time.”
from 5-5-2003
Talking to a caller named "Kresta":
ADAM: When somebody calls your name, or pages you in a restaurant, does it always come out sounding like "Krista"?
KRESTA: Yeah.
ADAM: Which is why you should go kick your mom in her fat ass.
To a guy who caught his dad masturbating, and now his dad won't talk to him:
"Now HE has to catch YOU masturbating. This is gonna be something that both of you will be laughing about in about, umm, 70 years."
About adults who still live with their parents:
"See, my theory is that after your forty-fifth birthday, they're living with you."
To a girl who wants to find a match for her single mother:
"Why on Earth would anyone want to help their mom get laid? Just buy her a vibrator and a subscription to cable."
Advising a caller whose parents have a bad relationship:
"Just study hard, get out of the house, go to college, and try not to go lesbian."
"I was rather neglected by my parents. They didn't seem to know they had a kid until I was, like, 9. It was like I showed up on my ninth birthday, and my dad said that I seemed like a nice kid and that I could stay."
"It's a bad idea to tell your parents something they don't want to hear, while you're living with them."
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