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Talking about marketing for X2 (the X-Men sequel): ADAM: Man, let me tell you—when it comes to nerds, they are super-loyal. They’re dedicated. Let me explain how you get so dedicated. First, you live at home well into your thirties. Secondly, you never get laid. Third, you have no money and no hobbies. You just have a little movie money, and the rest just goes into lubrication for beating off on your mom’s basement sofa. [...] Plus, the super nerds—they don’t have families, they don’t have regular jobs. They can go out and check out a movie on a Wednesday at noon. I don’t know what that is. DREW: They own comic-strip stores. ADAM: Yeah, they work at video stores, and stuff, and they work night shifts, and stuff. These guys camp out at the movies three weeks before the thing starts, you know? The Star Wars guys. KELLY HU (GUEST): [...] How come there are no nerdy girls who do this kind of stuff? Everybody talks about the nerdy boys; where are all the nerdy girls? ADAM: They’re lesbians, and they don’t like these kinds of movies. They only like Westerns. from 5-5-2003
Talking with guest Kelly Hu about X-Men fans: ADAM: What colossal nerds. I can’t believe these guys that are into comic books! They’re adults now; at one point, they were just broken, broken, crying, sort of asexual children. GUEST: You’ve never read comic books ever? ADAM: No, no. Pussies read comic books. [...] There’s a drawing of a guy in his pajamas, swinging from a web, and then you gotta read the next caption? from 5-5-2003
Talking to a 16-year-old male caller who was having sex with a 20-year-old girl: ADAM: So, why is she having sex with you? Are you exceptionally good-looking? Or is there something wrong with her? CALLER: Uh, exceptionally good-looking. And, uh, she's a rather normal gal. ADAM: You would say you're exceptionally good-looking? CALLER: I hate to brag, but I've been told that a lot. ADAM: Yeah, you're a very good-looking guy. STEPHEN BALDWIN (GUEST): Who do you look like? CALLER: Nobody in particular. Although, back a couple of years ago, people would say I look like Tom from Blink 182. ADAM: But if Tom wasn't in Blink 182, he wouldn't be good-looking. from 1-13-2003
"I was in Arizona, it's nothing but highway. It's like, I saw Jim Morrison blowing an Indian out there." from 1-12-2003
"The only people worse than dentists are publicists. Could you imagine if a publicist married a dentist?! Their kids would have hooves! They'd go through your jugular and then charge you too much!" After Ron Jeremy said that women porn stars make far more money than men porn stars: "Well, let me read between the lines here. You're getting 200 bucks, AND you're getting laid, AND you're getting a sandwich. So calm down there, big guy." Talking about porn stars:
ADAM: Are you a fan of Kayla Kleevage's work, Drew? ADAM: For those folks who don't know Aaron Spelling, Aaron Spelling is probably in his mid-seventies, he has more money than God, and he is revered in this town as one of the greats of television. But he really is just a crap merchant. I mean, he cranks out crap. That's what he does. DREW: And the rest of television is... ADAM: Unsuccessful crap merchants. He is the most prolific of the crap merchants. It's tantamount to a guy being an artist, and being very prolific, but he only paints dogs playing poker. DREW: You're just jealous. ADAM: No, I just wish he would get out of the business! All you old people that are rich and still hell-bent on cranking out junk, just get out! Get on a boat and do some deep-sea fishing, for Christ's sake! You know, it's funny, and we always get back to this, but I say to them, "Look, why are you doing it?" Like when we were talking to Alexandra Paul about David Hasselhoff, I said, "Listen, this guy owns a chunk of the biggest money-making show in the world; he doesn't have to work anymore. Why is he still working?" And she says, "Love of the craft!" And I said, "He did Baywatch Nights! Baywatch Nights is him walking around in a tank top and Dockers, trying to flush out the Sasquatch that's hiding underneath the pier in Santa Monica! That's craft? That's art? Please!" "Here's the problem with TV. All people on TV are TV people, and TV people are dumber than the dumbest guys you went to high school with, they just dress better." "I never read these funnies in the paper anymore. Peanuts hasn't been funny since the U.S. pulled out of Korea. I know these guys are under a lot of pressure to crank out something funny, but every time I read them it's like, 'What is this crap?'" "A lot of the success of daytime talk shows is due to the mentality of the viewers. I mean, if you put a TV show on during the time when people are supposed to be at WORK, think about your viewership!" "The greatest part about Playboy is the playmates' turn-ons and turn-offs. The turn-offs are always stuff like 'mean guys,' or maybe 'smokers.' But the turn-ons are always vague. They don't come right out and say 'nine-inch penis,' 'Bentley,' and 'owns a hotel or two.' Instead, they say stuff like 'good sense of humor' or 'likes music and walks on the beach.' Meanwhile, some guy who works on a loading dock thinks, 'I like the beach, I'm funny, and I love that music! We were made for each other!' Then he renews his subscription." "With football gambling, at least you get to use your head a little. With the lottery, using your grandchild's birthday isn't using your head. It's using your ass." "Often, success has nothing to do with talent. You look at the Spice Girls, and you think, 'Gosh, why didn't I think of that?'" "Listen, all you wusses who get on board with this MARYLIN MANSON crap: you have just made the transition from GEEK to POSER! Bunch of Marylin Manson losers!"
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