"The other thing is, is, if anybody’s interested in having something put up them rectally, all you gotta do is exceed the speed limit by about four miles per hour in the city of Burbank, and they pull you over and rape you. It’s a symbolic raping, but nevertheless it’s an anal raping that goes on in that city."

DREW: Get more exercise, and do some stretching.
ADAM: So he should do some yoga, or t'ai-chi, or something?
DREW: Sure, that would help.
ADAM: That's what I do, I go out in the park at sunrise and do my t'ai chi.
DREW: And then run inside?
ADAM: Yeah. And then run into a camper and masturbate. Don't you hate those guys who work out in the park? Don't you find that sort of bothersome or intrusive? Listen: if you want to jog around the park, that's fine. I'm cool with that. But don't go to the middle of the park, lay some blanket down, and then start going through your different disciplines of the ancient wisdom. And leave the goddam shirt on. Another thing I don't like are the people who go to a Starbucks and set up camp. Every goddam time I walk into one of those places, here's some guy, he's got like a fax machine, a modem, a laptop computer, a thesaurus, encyclopedias, a couple of notepads--he's writing a novel. Meanwhile, he's got a buck-seventy worth of coffee in him, and he's going on his ninth hour.

"Listen, the life of livestock isn't good. They eat, and then somebody kills them. All you idiots who are crying your hearts out for the cow, think about that next time you eat a hamburger. I feel sorry for Jim more than anything else. The cow's just eating, not thinking anything, and thinking that a fly landed on its ass. You should feel as sorry for Jim as you should for a guy who's strung out on heroin. We do far worse as a society to animals than this."

DREW: A few thousand years from now, archaeologists are going to dig up twentieth-century man and see these plastic bags on the ribcages of all the females, and they'll think, "How strange! What is this, some sort of ritualistic behavior?"
ADAM: No. They'll have DVD porn, they'll know exactly what was going on.

"Could you imagine this guy? A-holes usually aren't THIS blatant. All the A-holes I knew in high school didn't just stomp right through the front door with their A-hole-icity; they just kind of slithered in."

ADAM: Kate, I'm gonna put you on hold so I can talk about you for a second. Kate, being the great debater that she is, said that having sex with a dog is tantamount to molesting a child. So then I asked her if she would rather have someone molest her 5-year-old kid, or her 5-year-old dog. Now, any sane human being knows that they'd be dropping off their dog at James's place long before their kid. But Kate here, realizing that there was a gaping hole in her logic, refused to answer my question, being the coward vegan that she is.
KATE: Adam, wait until you come back as a dog in your next life. Then someone will do that to you.
ADAM: If I came back as a dog, the first thing I'd do is pee on your carpet. Then, FINALLY I could lick my own nuts.

Also...

DREW: I think what people are picking up on is that this may be the beginning of psychopathic behavior. People aren't all that bothered by what James is doing now with the dog, but they're afraid that he may move on to other, more dangerous activities.
ADAM: What, you mean soon he might try humping the spotted owl?

Also...

CALLER: Why weren't you as hard on him as you are on young girls that have a lot of kids?
ADAM: Why should I be? What, is his dog gonna give birth to a puppy that's gonna rape my kids later on? Am I gonna have to pay tax money because the puppy's gonna be on welfare, or be thrown into the prison system? No! He's just letting his dog bang him! ...The reason why I wasn't so outraged is because the dog was humping him! To me, that makes all the difference in the world! How can you be a victim when you have a boner? You know what I mean? That has to be the luckiest dog in the world!

CALLER: We repossess cars, cattle, everything. We once even repossessed an Ultralight.
ADAM: Do you mean an Ultralight camper, or an Ultralight plane?
CALLER: An airplane. I flew it out of there myself.
ADAM: Really? Jesus, this guy is like the white-trash James Bond!

"Two pregnant women? That's a fivesome, isn't it? Well, it really depends on whether you're pro-choice or pro-life."

"I never understood how they could F-- up the burger concept when you could always go down to McDonalds and for 39 cents get something that tasted ten times better than what they give. But lord knows they tried, and they succeeded."

"We settled it in court, and the guy owed me 3,500 bucks. But I never got a penny from him! And after about a year I called the courthouse, and I said look, the guy's supposed to send 200 dollars to you each month, and you're supposed to send it to me. But they have no record of it, they have no idea what's going on. And I said listen, here's what I'd like you to do. Pretend that I owe you five dollars. Because when you get a parking ticket in this goddam city, they come after you with helicopters. And believe me, they don't forget about anything. Everything doubles, there are penalites, there's interest, and if you get a parking ticket, and god forbid a year later you try to go in and register your vehicle, do not think the computer at the DMV is not linked up to the computer at the courthouse, and that they haven't added ten bucks on there beside doubling and tripling the fee. But when it comes to people owing YOU money, there's a monkey in the back with a goddam abacus! When you owe THEM money, they're using the computer at JPL. But when some idiot owes YOU money, there's a caveman smacking on something with a stick! I want you A-holes to use the SAME goddam computer you use, when I get a parking ticket, on the guy who owes me money. Now I got a letter today, and the letter said 'Dear Mr. Cattillo.' Can we not fire anybody from this system? How stupid do you have to be? They spelled my name with like four T's in it. I don't know how you can F-- up that badly, but let me tell you something, everybody. In the private sector, you'd not only be fired, you'd be BEATEN! Out in the parking lot! Do you understand? You are so inept and so incompetent that firing wouldn't be enough! Anyway, I said, why don't you just go and get the guy? You know? Just show up at his house and go get him? And even though this guy owed me 3,500 bucks, they said, 'Oh, we can't do that.' Then how come when my buddy Ray had a bunch of parking tickets, the sheriff showed up at his doorstep, his mom answered the door, and they pulled him out in his underpants and threw him in the back of the squad car? You go get Ray, how come you don't go get this guy? Why? Because there's nothing in it for them. This guy owes ME money, he does not owe them money. What do I have to do, cut you guys in? Is that what it's gonna take? Do you have to skim a little off the top? Let me explain something to all you lawmakers, judges, and politicians. The court system is in place NOT as a fundraiser. The reason you're there is to promote justice and protect the citizens. Citizens pay tons of money in taxes, and once every ten years they need you. And you fall flat on your asses, you lazy, pathetic SOB's. Here's what I want: I want some credit. Next time I get a $35 parking ticket, just go ahead and pull that off the $3,500 that you have not done anything about."

"What they'd try to do is intimidate you into going. It's like, maybe if you stayed home, the announcer would catch wind of it and come over to kick your ass."

CALLER: His aunt is friends with my mom, and they talk about bad things that he's done in the past. But deep down, he's a really good guy.
ADAM: Listen. Deep down, everyone is a good guy. Hitler, Manson--they were all really good guys. Way, way, WAY deep down. But as I say to Drew all the time when he tries to look for the good in everybody, what do I say? Not interested. You better not go two layers deep before you turn sour.
DREW: That, and, you are what you do. That's who you are.
ADAM: That's a good point. Women, when are you gonna smarten up with this? It's like, sure he gets drunk, sure he smacks me around a little, sure he gambled away the welfare money, sure he sodomizes the kids, but you know, when you catch him on the right day, he can really be a warm guy. As a matter of fact, I'd like to meet a prick who's a philanthropist. That's the guy I wanna hang with: some guy whose center core is rotten, and he's evil, except all he does is good deeds. Where's that guy, by the way?
DREW: Women idealize men, and don't look at what they're really doing, don't listen to what they're really telling him, and don't deal with who they actually are.
ADAM: Whatever you're doing is what you are, everybody. That's you. That's how you define yourself. If you're boozing, you're an alcoholic! If you're raping, you're a rapist! And then, who cares what the core is?
CALLER: But I love this guy. I really do. I would do absolutely anything for him.
ADAM: What does this guy do for a living? Does he work around metal?
CALLER: No, he doesn't. He installs air-conditioners.
ADAM: What are those made out of? Balsa wood?

DREW: If she's not meaningful enough to you that you can't hang in there, then you have to move on.
ADAM: You gotta find an aetheist. Then you get to have anal sex. That's the way the aetheists are. I think that a lot of people become aetheist just so they can get it in the ass once in a while. Don't you think so, Drew?
DREW: Well, religion definitely has something to do with it. Remember the Catholic girl who called? She HAD to be a virgin, so what did she do? She went ahead and had anal sex!
ADAM: Right. It's funny, we get a lot of callers who think they can beat God on a technicality. I wish I had some girls that were trying to buck the system.

"Your kids probably just think 'Lewinsky' means 'blow job.' They probably equate 'Monica Lewinsky' with 'oral sex.'"

DREW: Society used to contain that stuff.
ADAM: That's right. People used to be outraged; they'd run you out, they'd tar and feather you, they'd put your name in the paper. People would shun you.
DREW: Then they'd help the adolescent not act out by creating shame about the matter.
ADAM: It's funny. If you ever watch any of these shows on like, A&E, these biography-type shows, and they're talking about some guy around the turn of the century who was some politician, and he was a philandering guy, and then he ending up shooting somebody or something. They discuss it, and they say that for years, the town shunned him. When he came down the street, they walked on the other side of it. Nowadays, you cut your own penis off, you get a movie deal. You know what I'm saying? You kill somebody, or you're accused of this, or you do that, or there's a videotape of you doing something to somebody, then there's a nice big fat book contract in it for you. You write it from prison.

"Society does not need any cops for Drew. You could leave your car door open all day, and Drew would walk right by. You could leave your stereo on the roof of your car, and Drew would walk right by. Society doesn't need any cops, prisons, welfare, or ANYTHING, for Drew. Why? Because his parents liked him! They loved each other (theoretically), and wanted to have kids! They put some food in his mouth, took care of him, and sent him off to college! Could you imagine the utopia we'd be in if everyone were like that?"

"Did you wipe your prints off the gun?"

"I can tell that this Kathy is good-looking, because she's acting like a bitch. If she wasn't attractive, someone would've told her to quiet down a long time ago."

GARY: The difference between organized religion and spirituality is, organized religion teaches you to be afraid of hell; spirituality is for those who have been there.
ADAM: I always thought the difference was that basket they pass around.

ADAM: Has anyone from the government called you up and told you that you can't have any more kids?
CALLER: No.
ADAM: I'm gonna change that.

CALLER: I don't believe in abortions, and I don't think I could emotionally handle giving it up for adoption.
ADAM: But you do believe in, and you can handle, having sex with a married guy. That makes a ton of sense.

"I know that a lot of people are into the same-blood thing, but please! It's not blood, it's sperm."

"I miss the old crime. You know, when someone would try to tunnel into a bank rather than just march right in with the AK-47 ablaze. Or instead of rape at knifepoint, someone would just cop a feel. Or how about those people who just exposed themselves."

"Focus on raising your kid, so that we as a society won't have to focus on raising your kid in about sixteen years."