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Talking to a 17-year-old female caller who’s having a relationship with a 28-year-old guy: CALLER: He said he’s always, like, felt a connection, and he’s always had this crush— ADAM: That is so creepy when the 28-year-old guy says he felt the connection. As long as he feels the connection of your hand on his dork, that’s the only connection he wants to feel. You know what I love? I love it when guys—it’s great, because girls never know it, but other guys know it. It’s like, “He wrote me poetry.” “UUUGGGGGHHHHHH. [disgust]” I like when the guy says what he likes. “He loves—first off, he doesn’t like TiVo. He doesn’t like sports. He says he likes to walk on the beach.” I love it when you just realize how thinly veiled this BS is that these guys lay down, with their connections, and all this. I mean, look: there’s a handful of gay guys that would be that way. [...] What does this guy do for a living? CALLER: He owns, like, his own little shop. DREW: Shop? Headshop? CALLER: No, it’s kind of like a hobby shop, I guess. Kind of like a hippie store, almost. ADAM: Hippie hobby shop? No, that’s a headshop! A hippie hobby shop is just a bunch of bongs and roach clips. Come on. DREW: And incense. ADAM: Yeah. Here’s what the guy sells: he sells bongs, he sells roaches, and he sells Doors posters. [...] Republican or Democrat? CALLER: Um, congress. ADAM: Congress? Does he love his mom? CALLER: I dunno. Maybe. ADAM: Does he have any tattoos? CALLER: Yes. ADAM: Uh oh. What are the tattoos of? CALLER: He only has one, and it’s like, on the back of his neck. It’s like a Chinese symbol. ADAM: Oh, one of those pussy posers. White guy with the Chinese symbol. “Yeah, this is for spirituality.” Retards. [...] I love these guys, too, when he’s explaining the Chinese symbols on the back of his neck, and this keeps him grounded and stuff. Meanwhile, he’s trying to F a 17-year-old. from 5-5-2003
Talking to a female caller who has tattoos on her nipples: ADAM: Do you have large aereolas? CALLER: Eh, kind of, not terribly large. ADAM: What would you say, circumference. Or, uh, diameter. CALLER: Uh, I dunno. Inch or two? DREW: Inch or two. That's pretty small. CALLER: I guess. ADAM: By the way, it's funny when people estimate stuff that's on their body, and they give you the first number, and then the second number is a hundred percent larger than that one? It's like, yeah, "Hey Adam, how tall are you?" "Six foot, twelve foot, somewhere in the six-foot, twelve-foot range." from 1-15-2003
Talking to a female caller who began having sex with a guy when she was 13: CALLER: I lost my virginity to him when I was 13. ADAM: 13. And then you stopped having sex with him? CALLER: Yeah. Because I got in a lot of trouble and ended up having to move away to Alaska. DREW: Because of this guy. CALLER: No, not because of him, just because I started sneaking out and stuff, and just getting in trouble. And my mom finally got tired of it, and she was like, "You need to go to Alaska." So I ended up just having to move away, I dunno. DREW: Just picked Alaska from a map? ADAM: Your mom just threw a dart at a map, and that's where you had to go? CALLER: No. My aunt and my uncle live there. ADAM: Listen, I'd be pissed if the trouble-making, whoring, young niece of mine was sent over to squat my frozen farm in Alaska. CALLER: Whatever! I am not a whore! ADAM: No, baby, I didn't mean that in a bad way. from 1-13-2003
Talking to a male caller who's attracted to younger girls: CALLER: I'm 28, and I don't look nothing like my age. I look more like an 18-year-old. ADAM: His grammar's nothing like his age, either. So he's got it all covered. from 1-12-2003
Talking to a female caller whose husband is a paranoid schizophrenic: CALLER: Shortly after we got married, he bought a boat, and he started sailing on the boat all the time. I had no way of getting to him. It was like a houseboat. ADAM: How's he able to afford that? CALLER: It was--actually, I bought it. ADAM: Oh, you just bought a houseboat? CALLER: It was really inexpensive, believe it or not. It was a thousand dollars. ADAM: I'm picturing that boat. Jesus Christ. CALLER: It's a homemade wooden boat. It's pretty cool, though. It's kind of like a floating room. Anyway, he just kind of like started taking off, and he pretty much-- ADAM: Hold on. I'm picturing a floating room, and it doesn't sound great to me. DREW: I'm picturing Ted Kaczynski's hut on a floating mattress. ADAM: Yeah. Here's basically what I'm picturing: I'm picturing a Sears gardening shed on a Pilates mat. [...] ADAM: I got an idea. Figure out when the tide goes out, and then just slide in there and cut the rope. He'll just sail off into the horizon, and you'll never see him again. He'll be fine. He'll fish, he'll live off the land. from 1-7-2003
Talking to a pregnant teenaged girl who had a rough childhood, and is afraid of telling her parents that she's pregnant: ADAM: The good news is, is, everything's been so chaotic in your life, so this is not gonna be a big surprise. DREW: Yeah. The parents that are dealing with a fourteen-year-old that has been down this path are kind of expecting a pregnancy, I would say. It's a part of the deal. ADAM: Yeah. I think they'd almost be disappointed [otherwise]. I mean seriously, I know this sounds like retarded logic, but seriously: if you were like a straight-A student, and captain of the cheerleading-- CALLER: I am! I am a straight-A student. ADAM: All right; if you were like a straight-A+ student. CALLER: Most of the time, yes. Sometimes I get B's or D's, but mostly a lot of A's. DREW: All right. Well, B's and D's does not qualify as straight A's. Okay? ADAM: Maybe she meant "heterosexual who got an A once in P.E." from 1-7-2003
Talking to a female caller who is having unprotected sex with her boyfriend, but doesn't think she'll get pregnant: CALLER: Well, I'm not doing it when I have my period or anything, I don't do that. DREW: It doesn't matter when you do that. How-- CALLER: I've never gotten pregnant before. DREW: Okay, well, you're gonna get pregnant, all right? How do you think you're going to avoid it? ADAM: Hold on a second. I really think some of our callers were, like, frozen when the Ice Age hit. We thawed them out, and they're just like natives! DREW: Primitive man. ADAM: Primitive man, yeah. [in primitive voice] "I never got pregnant before, because, I won't get pregnant because I've never been pregnant before!" DREW: "Crow fly from right, moon come from sky, no pregnant!" ADAM: "And if I do get pregnant, all I gotta do is sacrifice a goat, or something, throw it into a volcano, and the baby will go away!" Jesus Christ. Talking to a caller, "Jay," who only spoke in whispers:
JAY: [whispering] Can you hear me? After talking to a girl who said that she was bleeding because she mounted the parking-brake handle of her boyfriend's car:
DREW: Maybe she ruptured the hymen by doing that. Talking to a female caller who organized a threesome with her husband and her best friend:
ADAM: You live in an apartment building, right? Talking to "Lisa," a 20-year-old caller who has a kid with her asshole ex-boyfriend and believes all the lies he tells her:
ADAM: This guy's an idiot, Lisa. What do you want us to do about it? Talking to a caller who is unemployed and has two kids with another unemployed person: "What is the plan, everybody? I can understand not having declaring a major yet; the plan doesn't have to be that specific. But when you've got two kids, you're not married, nobody's employed--what kind of plan is that?" Talking to a caller about paganism:
CALLER: I'm a witch. "Here's the irony of people who like to get into bizarre highs: these are the people who can afford to do it the least. You know what I mean? It's kind of a catch-22. Because you think it's a good idea to suck off of your car's gas tank in the first place means you just have the bare minimum amount of brain cells alloted to a human as is, and you're burning those quick." Talking to a female caller about her boyfriend:
ADAM: Did you have sex? After hanging up on a caller, "Ryan," because he seemed hopelessly stupid:
ADAM: You know, there are a few levels of retarded. There's, like, Level 1, and then there's the basement. "I think a lot of our callers think that sperm is like some kind of fossil fuel, something that eventually can be depleted. They don't realize that it's constantly being replenished. And the funny thing is, they still keep masturbating every night." ADAM: You're 19 and you're still in high school? Were you held back? CALLER: Yeah, two years. ADAM: Listen, don't tell anyone you got held back. Here's my suggestion: say you spent two years in Europe when you were a child. What sounds better: "Yeah, I was held back two years," or "Yeah, I spent a summer in Luxembourg, went on a bike tour across France, and naturally, when I came back, I had some catching up to do." "To a lot of our callers, 'third base' means anal sex; but I always call that the dugout." ADAM: David, you're 24. What's going on? DAVID: Well, you know, the same old s***-- ADAM: All right, David, hold on while we discuss your stupidity for a second. "What is it with our callers? How come when you ask them something, they give the least satisfying response possible? I hear some noise in the background so I ask what it is, and they say, 'I couldn't tell ya!' Or it's like, 'So there's nothing going on in the background?' And the response is, 'If you say so!'" CALLER: My father had sex at a young age, which was stupid, but I'm glad he did it because otherwise I wouldn't be here. ADAM: (softly) Well....he still should've pulled out. Talking to "Tom," a caller who is obviously under the influence of some drug:
ADAM: Could you imagine being out with Tom in the desert high on peyote? Chasing around Jim Morrison's ghost, dry-humping a cactus... Tom, do you have any kids? To a 15-year-old male caller:
CALLER: I have a problem. I always get into relationships with girls who only want to have sex, and I'm tired of it. Talking to a 17-year-old female caller:
CALLER: The other day my cousin and I got really drunk, and I think we had oral sex. ADAM: What's going on in the background there? CALLER: I don't know. ADAM: What do I hear? CALLER: Probably the TV. ADAM: What are you watching? CALLER: The Devil's Advocate. ADAM: Oooh. I was thinking of an old movie called Devil's Rain, where people were melting and screaming and shreiking. Anyway, the show I was thinking of started with "devil." CALLER: Close enough. ADAM: All right. Now turn it down, you jackass. To a 25-year-old male caller:
CALLER: I've been married for about 3 years. My wife is a nymphomaniac, and, well, I'm not. To a 20-year-old guy who is having sex with a 15-year-old neighbor:
CALLER: SHE kept coming over to MY place. To an annoying female caller:
ADAM: Are you good-looking? About a female caller who claims to be a virgin, but has had anal and oral sex:
DREW: What's up? Why are you doing everything but vaginal sex? To "Bob," a caller who caught his girlfriend having sex with another girl:
DREW: Does she know you saw this? To "Dawn," a bulimic caller who uses laxatives:
ADAM: What does that do, are you constantly on the pot? CALLER: Adam, you're my god. I pray to you every night. DREW: Oh boy. ADAM: Really? CALLER: Yeah. ADAM: I'll see you in hell. We'll both be there. To Stephanie, a 16-year-old, dumb-sounding caller:
ADAM: 16-year-olds can be pretty sophisticated these days. You look at the Olympics, most of these figure skaters are like, fifteen. But Stephanie here sounds like this is 1922, or something. Are you really sixteen? What year were you born in? To a female caller:
DREW: Do you have a hymen? CALLER: A little while ago, I cheated on my husband. DREW: With whom did you cheat? CALLER: Uhhh, some guy. ADAM: Oh, "some guy." Let me write that down. After a caller referred to the ovaries as "ovals": "That was like, gynecology meets ebonics. 'Gybonics.'" CALLER: I'm missing the piece of skin on my penis that, like, runs from the tip to the base. ADAM: The foreskin? CALLER: No, I still have that. I'm missing, like, the skin that runs from the tip to the base. ADAM: Drew, do you have any idea what that is? DREW: I have no idea. The skin that runs from the tip to the base is the whole thing, isn't it...? ADAM: For Christ's sake, this guy knows the LEAST about his own penis of anyone I know.
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