Project: killing two birds with one stone

Case Study: 03/001

Purpose of analysis

The following analysis was to examine whether it is possible to kill two birds with one stone and, if so, which method is the most efficient?

Equipment

Bunsen burner Tripod xxxxxxxxxx Test tube
Bunsen burner Tripod Gauze mat Test tube 2 birds and 1 stone

Method

  1. Place the bunsen burner under the tripod with the gauze mat on the top.
  2. Put the 2 birds and 1 stone in the test tube.
  3. Ignite the bunsen burner.
  4. Record the findings.

The Analysts took the opportunity to escape from the luxurious surroundings of their corporate headquarters, otherwise known as Teabag Towers and piled en masse into their assortment of luxury Mercedes Benz and Yugos for a field trip to the wilds of the Yorkshire moors, in Northern England. The Analysts were greated by beautiful weather, thereby vindicating their decision to partake in a field trip.

Each bird to be used was carefully selected and a decision was made by the Analysts only to employ trained stunt birds. Each bird was given lightweight aluminium chain mail to wear (custom-made to fit, thereby avoiding any discomfort). The so-called "stones" were constructed from a soft compound of vulcanised rubber, designed to mimick the speed and trajectory of a stone, but without the risk of inflicting injury. The stones were tested by firing them repeatedly from a cannon at willing volunteer Cuthbert Nedelkoff, who cheerfully reported that he suffered no pain throughout the experience.

A processing centre was set up in the back of a nearby branch of Kwik Save, where each bird could be inspected after it had taken its turn. Representatives from wildlife organisations were at hand to ensure that each bird suffered no pain or trauma. The Analysts acted at all times with the utmost respect for the volunteers in their experiment and went to great lengths to ensure the birds had a pleasant day out.

The Analysts were quick to seize upon the many vagaries of the quote and several plausible alternatives were tested:

  1. "Kill" two flightless birds with one very big stone.
  2. Use one stone but recover it after each shot until two birds are "killed".
  3. Wait until two birds are in close proximity and fire the stone from a bazooka.
  4. Meteorite collision with Earth.

Results

The first method (using a big stone) was only successful when using a slow, dimwitted bird, such as the dodo (which we retrieved from our extensive archives at our corporate headquarters). On the other hand, the ostrich was too big, fast and expensive.

The second method (recovering the stone after each shot), will always be successful due to the laws of statistics. However, in this experiment, the least number of shots required to hit two albatross was in excess of eight thousand and the albatross is both larger and slower than other flying birds.

The third method (using a bazooka), had a success rate of twenty-seven percent when used against albatross, falling to less than one percent when used against the hummingbird. It had a 100% success rate when used against Sidney Gandillo's Mercedes, which was destroyed when Dmitri Alexandrovich accidentally fired the bazooka whilst pointing it in the wrong direction.

The final method had a 100% success rate against avine existence when computer simulations were made. However, it is unlikely that many people will be present to record this, apart from the odd squirrel and a pair of hippos.

Conclusions

The results are disappointing.
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