Just a fresh breeze, to wash away my despair, it doesn’t have to be cold, it doesn’t have to be soothing, and it doesn’t have to sting, it just has to come to pass through that part of me that is parched and cracked. It could brush up through my hair and soothe my mouth, pressing the tips of my tongues, and warming my heart and my lungs. Then, I could feel a pinch of it graze my breath, and then I would savor that taste until my rest, with a firm grip in my mind’s eye as I do. Just a little breeze.
Magical May: the month for Mother’s day, and My Mom’s birthday. She was born a week before I was. Does that make any sense? A week after her birthday then I was born, there that's better, isn't it?
The first thing that got to me this month were random thoughts of adventure, and they sort of stayed with me all through, and I found it hard to shake them off. I wanted to rise up and go somewhere so bad, I dreamt it, wished it, tasted it instead of food, and hoped it with my waking hour of every day. I asked the Lord, “Let this be the day, I get some good news, and let this be the day I find somewhere tremendous that that good news would take me.”
You see I am no stranger to these thoughts. I am a Gemini and we get bored with our immediate environment easily. Right from High school, I used to have this day dream that I would be in class, and my mum would come in charging from the gates (boarding school gates that is) to come see me, she would come bearing good news and good tidings. Saying, I had won a scholarship to an exquisite school in an exquisite country somewhere, somewhere that would take me away from my immediate surroundings. I lived with that dream in mind until I graduated 6 years later. Then I carried it onwards to College, studying long hours at the library I would dream that some guy (insert name of current crush here) would come up to me and say come with me I am moving to Switzerland or somewhere just as exotic and I would pack up and go with him, no questions asked. That Steven Spielberg would say that I am that fresh talent which he has been seeking for his new movie based partially on my life: something impossible, something only to be found in one’s imaginations, just something...a fresh breeze, I'd say. The same dream followed me to my Master’s degree program, and then during my internship, it got worse. Then it was the road trip dream. I wanted to go on a road trip with a couple of my friends, all across America, see the sites, go to the museums, chase the hunks, and visit every friend we had in every state along the way. After then, I got tired of waiting for it to happen, (though my friend did get hers she went on an European trip getting as far as Switzerland, I was not so lucky) so I just let the dreams die, but it reared its imaginative head, this May.
Some pictures I saw of BSB (my favorite group, you should know that by now) in Rio on their world tour triggered it off this time. Inside me, I wished so much that I was invited, either as a reporter on the scene, a record company intern, an MTV fan insider, one of their girlfriends (this is the one I secretly really hoped for, but you know there’s not a chance in hell that’s happening), anything, name it, I wanted to be there. The scenery from the pictures of RIO, the star treatment they and their female companions received got me envious. Oh! To be the one to accompany one of these boys around the world, to enjoy star treatment, fans clamoring for your autograph, the awe in their eyes, the Press peering down your face for information on the guys, as you sway around tight-lipped, the lavish parties you would attend, the luxurious hotels, and then of course, if you happen to be dating one of them, you would go home to a wonderful man at night to cuddle (ahem...make love) to in bed. Isn’t that heavenly?
I know this may sound shallow to most people, and it might to me 10 or so years from now, but priorities are priorities, and mine at this time was this, to escape from my hum drum parallel life and to have a life filled with wonders, excitement and of course, entertainment. Nothing bad in that, people have other things they crave for: win the lottery, make a million bucks, etc. and this is mine, to have a little piece of abnormally disrupt my normal slow paced life. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
I asked myself, if you were given this opportunity would you hesitate to join them, or would you weigh the pro’s and cons, and beg to differ, excusing yourself by explaining that your body was not ready to adapt to the rock and roll lifestyle of sex, drugs and booze, just yet. I would not hesitate, not for a second. I would go, and go with a firm mind, resisting all forms of temptation aimed at me, armed with the strength of God, partying as much as I know my body can take, and “Just saying NO” to anything that might harm my body or my mind. With all that adrenalin from the amazing places you get to visit, I wonder how some entertainers can ever complain of depression. Now, please, what do they have to be depressed about, they should have my life for a day and I swear they would give up the ghost? Hence, I still wished such a rare opportunity would come to me.
They say dreams come true,
and to some I am sure they have, but mine is a dream that is almost 15
years and counting in the making. I know I deserve to have this dream come
true, I know I do. I checked my emails countless times all day just for
a simple note of escape, “you have won this competition and you are deserving
of a 2 week stay in an exotic island with lots of sun and sunshine and
men.” Something new, something wonderful, something that rarely occurred
to just anybody, something. So far it has not happened. Do you think I
should keep hoping, or is it time to finally lay this life long dream to
rest?
Random Thought I Harbored:
This is another one of
my stupid pointless random thoughts that actually reflect on how stupid
and delusional my thinking faculties have gone.
The other day I was watching a clip of Heather Graham and her new beau, Heath Ledger, nice couple too, Heather and Heath, cute. But I couldn’t get past my prejudice against the wide age gap between them, call me shallow or old fashioned but I happen to think a 30 year old woman shouldn’t be dating a 21 year old boy; he would be too immature, too juvenile, like cradle snatching of the worst kind. What can he teach you, what can you teach him, should you tell him tales of all the men you’ve loved, or should you just keep it to yourself to avoid scaring him out of his first skin with your outlandish escapades? I don’t know, but it was just too way ahead of me for complete digestion, so I started a little thought process inside me. I know…if you know me by now you would know that my thoughts are as strange as they come.
Anyway, it was this, I asked myself if there was any man, at least 8 or 9 years younger than I that I can love enough to risk dating, damning the consequences, and basking in the glow of the premature relationship, would I do it? Hmm, I thought hard. Then, I named them, all the recent additions to Aphie’s crush book…first there is AJ McLean…23, Nick Carter…21, Lance Bass…22, hold up stop, I’ve heard enough now. All these men are at least 6 years younger than I, and if there was even the faint---smidgen of a possibility that is, we all know that will never happen but lets use them as hypotheses, okay---that they would ask me out, just a vague possibility I would jump on it, like a bandit on the run, churning all opposition and clutching onto the relationship even when its over. Can you imagine how hypocritical I was, when I would rather have been the first accused of the crime instead of the prosecutor?
I need to be shot for hating
Heather now, like is often said: don’t hate the player just hate the game.
Indeed we have to, cos all the older men are taken, married or dating or
living with someone or nursing a child somewhere, a la Brad Pitt, Edward
Burns, George Clooney, Brendan Fraser, Johnny Depp, Ryan Phillippe, need I continue. It’s
terrible all the men who can come near my age are all taken, how sad ):
what is a 20 something misplaced child of the 80’s to do except pick on
someone younger. The only person I can think of who “might” still be available
and I say this loosely---not like I would get a slight chance in hell to
meet him let alone date him but work with me here okay---is
Keanu, my gentle
giant, my muse, and the uncertain cool breeze I need. He is still unmarried, but I daresay that I doubt if it
would be for long, he has that I-am-ready-to settle-down-with-someone look
these days, so I give him at most a year, maybe less. Therefore, what should
a girl do except date the youngings…sad, so Go Heather! Sorry for having
judged you, I was just pointing fingers at my self. Bad, bad, Aphie!
Final thoughts are welcome….
Movies I saw:
"This is not your life, this is what you do for a living."
A line for every one whoever thought
their careers determined who they were.
Overall: A must-see for
race fans and lovers of pure adrenalin rushing car chase scenes, cos it
is full of them.
Movies I refused to watch:
Angel Eyes...J.Lo love scenes are not my scene.
Pearl Harbor...Ben Affleck is not one of my main hunks to ogle over, more so when the movie is 3 hours long...Aargh! bathroom break anybody.