July 2001

I lay still. On the cold hard floor I lay. With his smooth chest lying next to mine. And his breath lining up with my face. But still I lay. Not moving, not wanting. Just wondering: should I speak? Should I move? Knowing somehow that he is observing my every move. The twitch of my skin, the flutter of my eyes, the pitter patter of my tender heart. Then, he moves his arm to encase my lonesome nipple, And I inch closer to feel him, Touch him, all of him. Yet though I feel him rise to the occasion but still I lay. Not moving, not wanting. But secretly aching...
And forever longing.
 

First of all, I must apologize for taking too damn long to put in this month’s entry. Can you imagine if I had fans how disappointed they would be in me…Aargh!! ::pulls out hair in anguish:: I am truly sorry ::bows humbly::

Something happened at the tail end of last month getting into this month that I omitted to put in cos’ I had already put in that month’s entry. My family went on a vacation to Savannah, Ga. Wowie, me. I won’t talk much about it cos’ I have written a review of the momentous occasion which includes photos of Moi...so go check it out here, cos being the squeamish person I am, I might just take it down. I have a problem with posting my face on the Internet...I am rather shy...tee hee.

 Okay, another reason why I haven’t updated is that I opened a journal on Diaryland, more of a rants type of page incase I feel the pressing need to rant mid-month and I have absolutely nowhere to send it to. Go check that out too here.

 Then, three things that would comprise this month’s entry, asides from the incessant fights and bickering from my family members explaining to me the possible causes of my depleting love life, are these:

1)       Heroes…roles models…who are they?

2)       Mailing lists, Internet friends…do we love to make them or don’t we?

3)       A family reunion that got me to tears.

  The month started on a very good note. I got back from Savannah expecting to be hit by the blues as I often am whenever I get an unusual high, or surge of excitement passing through me, why was I happy…on the 2^nd my Boys performed on the NBC summer concert special, I was excited to see them and full of high hopes. But I seemed to be the only one who was not only disappointed in the way the concert was broadcast---shabby camera work, too many crowd and audience shots---- but I felt the boys could have done something else to entertain us, asides from singing and moving from one side of the stage to the other with the mikes in their hands. They should have been more energetic, a lot livelier, hyper active, sang fewer ballads, and arranged for some appearances by their back-up dancers if they were too tired to dance. Then, again, this is not a diary about them but me, so I digress.

So I finished the concert with a bitter taste in my mouth. And just when the shit couldn’t have hit the fan at a closer range…it happened, a week after that day they were on MTV studios to announce that they would be canceling their concerts for another month, why? Cos A.J. the one who has one of the most notable voices in pop (boy band) history was checking into rehab for excessive alcohol consumption, depression and anxiety. This is where I come in to this story.

Normally, I wouldn’t give two hoots about anything. He has depression so what…but this was different, I particularly like this guy, I don’t know why, maybe it's his voice, his spirit, the fact that he is so humble and generous, so many things too numerous to name that are attributes I would like people to use to in describing me when I am gone or even as I am still with them. (Don’t you ever wonder how people that know you would describe you, would they say, “Okay she’s nice,” which is often the case or would they add deeper things about you that maybe you never even realized…I digress again, back to the story) And for AJ to share a condition which is so “normal” like the rest of us suffer-----I know many of us suffer from one too many drinks once upon a time, and are hit sometimes with depression maybe from being dumped by that guy/girl at times, even though we would like to be the ones throwing the stones right now------in fact brings them closer to me than ever, cos’ it means that they are human and can have faults too.

To me, drinking isn’t a fault, but then again, I am of age, TOO much of age, so I should be able to take a drink or two or more, (believe me if you are reading this and you happen to be underage…don’t think this girl is crazy, cos I have read worse, people getting high at wee hours of the morning etc. this should be pretty tame) But all of sudden we started to think that our hero shouldn’t falter, he should be crimson perfect like Jesus was to warrant our ascribing him the indelible quality of a “role model” for us and our kids. That is bull. 

Like Maya Angelou, the great poet once said: (a quote that inspired one episode of my series, Speed) that the youths of today are relying so much on their teen pop stars for role models instead of other great people in the community who have achieved more and done more for them. And honestly, now that I look at it, I cannot find fault in that statement.

These people never said they were striving to be role models. They are just musicians or as my cynic brother-in-law once said when he drove me home from a BSB concert, “They are salesmen that can sing”. They are people who bring good music to you, and with good music comes so many other things, like love, sunshine, brightness, happiness, joyful sorrow, compensation for loss, so many other wonderful emotions are exhaled when we hear or enjoy good music. So the age of reverence of teen pop stars should die now, and we should clean out the soot from our eyes and accept them as normal human beings capable of having faults, bad habits, recording bad albums etc.

Personally, I think the fact that AJ faltered makes more sense to me, and anyone in his business that would stand and say, that they have no vices and that they have stayed clean and sober, and perfect…is saying total bullshit cos that business is too crazy not to have addictions even simple things like sex are considered addictions…so there. I don’t love him less because of his problems, in fact I don’t think I even loved him at all at first (admiring someone from afar isn’t love, I know that for sure), but now that I know that he has this and is no different from me…makes me love him even more. And more so, his pals for having the balls to tell us with a bold face concealing not an iota of detail…I don’t care what anyone says those are mighty balls at work there and I would love the others even more if I heard they all went to rehab, but that’s just me. Tupac is still revered the world over. His records are still selling millions and everyone knows how much of a “thug for life” he was, so this AJ in rehab thing is just mere icing on the cake. As my fellow black people would say, “he has become rougher and thugger, and so we dig him more.” And I second that.

Besides, all the great artists had funny types of addictions, which were solely for the craft and not because of serious psychological conditions like depression: Jimi Hendrix, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, and Jimmy Morrison.

So AJ, hang in there. The first few days might be shaky I admit…I gave up some shots of liquor when he first went in just to empathize. I painted my fingernails black like his and I decided to let my hair grow out in a “fro, (that was my own personal decision, inspiration for that was probably my fan-fic character Shelia and Jill Scott, and I wanted to identify with my African roots…yeah, I can see you laughing at that) and to tell you the truth, I could only make it for 2 days without drinking, the next few had me staying awake until odd hours. But I am trying, if he is trying, then so will I. Just so I can understand that it might eventually escalate to a problem for me, which I wouldn’t want it to.

Then, the emailing list I used to manage, I owned and I dedicated almost a year to Aphys Keanu Manuscripts, I shut it down when I realized I wasn’t making friends on it, which to me was one of the sole reasons why it was started.

To fully understand this, I must use a semi-parable to illustrate:

When we were in high school, an all girls school, there were these moments when the teachers wouldn’t show up for classes, and of course, we would all be grateful and rejoicing inside us…but it wouldn’t be celebrated with loud noises and chatter, instead we would sit quiet like studious students especially if it was nearing examinations time.

However, there was this girl, who was such a stand-up comedian, her name was Eshy, and she would come over to my class (yes she wasn’t in my class but she had a best friend in it) and she would stand in front of the class and talk, and talk about everything: from her vacation, her stints when she learned how to swim, when she threw up on her first date at the movies with this guy she really liked, how she snuck out to go on dates, how her brothers engaged in bloody fights early in the morning, every single thing was told to us and she would describe it so well, with a humorous demeanor that you would be left in stitches by the time the story was over. It was hilarious.

At first, she enjoyed it, bringing laughter and happiness to us free loaders, but then something ticked inside her and she realized that we inevitably knew more about her---her first date, her family woes, everything from what she had told us---more than she knew about us---the loyal listeners, live studio audience---which was true. All she knew were our names and that was about it. I remember the very last time, she came in to the class and we asked her to tell us a story, she bluntly said, “Nope, do I look like Bill Cosby (Bill Cosby was the reigning standup comedian in those days) or Fresh Prince to you. No. You tell us a story.”

And that was the end of the reign of Eshy as a stand-up comedian in my class and other classes that she told stories and brought laughter and hysteria to…that was the end. And after remembering that all I can add is…at least she got people to laugh at her jokes, comments were lacking in my group, and I was faced with a sea of idlers drowning in it that I had to do the civil thing which was pull the plug to let the water out otherwise, it could have taken me down too. I hope this parable explains.

I can only be glad that I made one good friend out of the whole fiasco…Kerry my Ozzie mate…she was really the main reason why the list stayed afloat that long. One of the ex-members was so humorous (antagonistic) as to post my private chat with her in her diary…how intriguing the sordid details mailing list friends can cause upon us.

Then, to the teary reunion:

My brother came to visit on the 19^th. It was amazing, for the first time my family, every single one of my family was together in the same room, eating at the same table, and laughing face to face at the same jokes, you can never appreciate how wonderful that feels until you stay away from each other for so long…and since it had been so long since we shared such simple joys that some families have and overlook, I was thoroughly smitten by it all. It was overwhelming almost to the point of bringing me to tears. I just kept mum and absorbed it all, and thanked God silently for the moments, simple moments that I can call mine. I didn’t take a picture this time, but I somehow believe that moment would reign onwards forever in my memory.

So everyday, that you share with a loved one, with a member of your family, with yourself doing something you might not think is important, or something big, but might mean something a hell of a lot to someone else, you should treat that day special and savor that moment as a memorable occasion cos life gives us so very few of those…and I am glad it gave me mine.

No random thoughts though, but I am working on it…look out for them. But, here's a picture of my baby at the press conference when he gave a whopping $1m dollars to charity.

Musical tastes:

Krystal---Me and My Piano:

One of the few artists who is not about T and A and has a reasonable amount of talent to warrant her some kind of longevity in the music business. She has a raw pop feel mixed with use of piano, acoustic guitar and tremendous vocal range. Her CD debuted at 86, which was impressive considering that she couldn’t garner any air or radio play but could have been better, if not that sex sells is the slogan the music industry goes by these days.

Craig David----Born To Do It:

I started to listen to Craig David when I lived in England momentarily and then, I knew that there was something fresh, genuine and amazingly different about his voice, his talent in writing songs at such a tender age, and the energy and diversity of his sound. Then, he had just completed a house song with the dance hall DJ’s Artful Dodger, and that song was taking over the airwaves still when he decided to slip in his first single, “Can you fill me in.” At first it was exaggerated with continuous air and radio play and abhorred but you will never look or listen to Craig David the same when you hear that song sung over an acoustic guitar in a sensual ballad. Then, the respect for him was formed. All, I can say is…he deserves more respect in the U.S ---where boy bands who don’t sound as fresh and different as he does reign supreme-----than he is getting now, and only time will tell just how high this young man will climb.

Movies: A more complete review is available in the movie reviews page here.

Fast and The Furious: Stars Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster.

 Overall: Packs a lot of punch, heat and drive...moving with a certain fury.

The Score:  Stars: Robert DeNiro, Marlon Brando, Edward Norton, and Angela Bassett

Overall: Good movie to watch as a matinee cos’ late showing might see you dozing off.

 Notable Quote by Bobby:

"You can only succeed in life by making the right choices not simply by having talent, people who have lots of talent but make the wrong choices don’t really get far in life."

Lara Croft. Tombraider:  Stars: Angelina Jolie and not much else except a fleeting appearance with Jon Voight

No words to describe this movie except with the often used: Awesome.