November 2001:

What happens when I've traveled a million miles, worked up a million storms and made a million enemies. 

who will wash my face from all the debris, who will shine my shoes and save my thoughts in a royal chest for those to come after me, who will savor my mind so I don't get dissipated with all the wondrous chagrin from our evolving society, who will make the bed so I can wallow in my hopeless self-pity...it is I, I know, all the while I've searched and found that no one can measure up to the hollow of which I can complete for myself. It is I.

It's been donkey years.

I have to admit that I almost contemplated terminating these monthly update altogether, since the only people that ever branch onto the site are either sent here by mistake from some Google.com search mishap (put in Aphrodite and it sends you here) or my close friends online, Kerry and my other sistas. 

Then, I realized that good things could only come to those who persist effortlessly at first only to be rewarded later. And the one thing that I know I suffer from is non-completion of whatever I start, terminating it before it has fully completed its life cycle, so I update I shall. I think the New Year if it has taught me nothing more it’s to persist with all my endeavors: it is not over until the fat lady sings as they say.

So to reward anybody who might have been following this saga all year, I shall put in a double update, one containing the random thoughts for this month, and another for December, which would be a summation of all the good, the bad and the naughty stuff that happened to me all year round of which you were all gracious participants of.

First off on my plate was the decision to revive my dwindling writing talent. After battling months of drought and lack of motivation towards my work, I got up one day and decided to revive some of my work. This began in slow steps, first I started to really enjoy reading my work when I was bored, and then I observed people being influenced by my style of writing, and my humorous storytelling, finally I just dusted off the liver and put down a few words, not much but enough to exercise some measure of continuity. It was refreshing to do it, more refreshing to read what I had written months before. I might continue in small bouts now, but nothing as major as it was for me before, I have decided to express my self in other ways besides writing.

Also, I went completely out of my way to emulate in person one of the characters I have created in my work. I decided to look like her, though I already do, though in some salient aspects---it wouldn’t be my character if I didn’t put in some amount of me into her---but in the few aspects in which we differed, I bridged that immediately by changing my look and approach to life to resemble hers. If you don’t know the character to which I am referring: go to Simple Kind of Life…let’s see how many of you can guess what part of me changed since the last time.

 In totality, these were sadly the only high points of my month.

I won’t lie to you, there were considerably a large number of low points this month, there were times I wondered why, how far have I gone with my life, and I constantly questioned my motivation and use in this world. I longed for answers to questions I was almost afraid to ask, longed for a reasonable amount of excitement, something exhilarating that would take me out of the prism shape I have been squared into for the past 4 months (read August you would know) and I wished to be a part of something that took me away from the normal, straitlaced direction I seemed to be headed.

I remember wishing that someone would come over and tell me, "Hey, I have an exciting life, wanna be a part of it?" And my response would be to jump up, grab my toothbrush and follow him wherever, whenever, I wouldn't look back at all, not even for a minute at what I am leaving behind. Oddly, this has been my dream for as long as I can remember since grade school. I have always wanted to escape myself. If I have had this dream for that long, and God has known about it, and I pray constantly asking him for it, when oh when does He deem it fit for it to come true? I am getting pissed just waiting for it.

 Then, I began to crave something as simple as my concert experiences.

I craved that anticipation before the date, just getting the ticket in the mail gets you all fired up, and you would circle that date on your calendar, knowing that surely you shall have a date with Fun when that time arrives. Then you arrange to hook-up with some ladies on your ardent fans of mailing lists you met online, looking forward to seeing them in person, talking face to face, and sharing a couple of drinks before show time. Then, there’s the excitement butterflies you instill when you arrive at the stadium, the multiple sponsors on the lot, radio stations, aspiring artists, food brands; all the eager fans displaying their devotion shamelessly, dressed up with banners, posters, spray-painted clothes trying to score some free tickets and if possible a backstage pass. The pre-screams from anxious fans inside the venue at nothing in particular just in preparation of the wonderful moment when the house lights would finally go down and the boys would be there live to entertain; the ladies all decked out in their Sunday-best, touching up their make-up and all other fake accessories in the ladies room; the friends and amusing conversations you hold with the people sitting beside you in the hall, obviously sharing the same musical taste with yours. It is all so overwhelming that it invigorates you unconsciously.  

One day when my humdrum life began to consume me extremely, that was one thing I longed for privately to myself. I thought, "when is the next concert coming up let me save up and go get my blood on high..." sad thing is it's not until summer if we're lucky. It didn't help when I heard Boys II Men on the radio singing "I'll Make Love to You". I just remembered the Boys, did they sing that at the Grammies, I know they sang a Boys II Men song but I can't remember if it was that one. I watched it but at the time, I was with someone so I didn't want to pay too much attention to the Boys while on a date, you know how it goes. Believe it or not, that was one group I love just as much as I love BSB now, simply for the music, they have such tremendous voices, and they hit the harmonies just right, and emote perfectly. I didn't care if they were good looking, hunky or nerds or not...it was just plain fan adoration.

I had the same feelings for BSB initially---plain fan adoration for the music---until I saw AJ rip off his shirt in front of me and I took a glance at his six-pack with the 69 tattoo right on it, then I saw Nick grab every juicy part of his body in concert...I just knew this isn't platonic love, you like them for more than the music. That’s what a concert does to you, it jolts you up, gets you hyper like a fever, sweating and panting, blood pounding, listening to that music endlessly after the day just to reenact the excitement of that day.

Now, I fully understand what the ladies on my mailing lists mean when they say..."I miss the Boys"...Cos I do, immensely though I never say...this month, November, I realized I could do with a little adrenalin jolt, something to get my blood pressure on high have my walking around with a smile for at least a couple of weeks, I fear that my life is getting too somber even though it was almost Xmas.

Coincidentally, the day I had these thoughts I had been riddled with several bad news and disappointing work interviews (note if they ever tell you they’d get in touch with you, that’s a polite way of saying No) so I knew that nothing could measure against the level of depression and angst I felt inside. Nothing. So I came home and opened up my email, just to see pictures of Nick and AJ laughing heartily in Japan during their tour there in mid-November. I thought then that the only thing that could possibly calm me down was group sex with both of them. I know it is a lurid thought, and maybe I shouldn't say that out loud, but that was how I felt. Perhaps, if God had given me a man in real life I wouldn't want to have sex or harbor lurid sexual thoughts about those I may never meet. But I still want it, till this day: good and nice and nasty, with everything on top, and everything else in between, toys, video cameras, caramel topping, whip cream, strawberries, champagne poured on hard bodies, continuous licking and sucking of parts even the eyes can't see, running around naked, freely without inhibitions, the length and breadth of raucous sex and continuous foreplay. Somehow like a dream I had some days ago about Nick and refused to talk about because it was too sexually perverse. this one is close to that except that this time with more people involved. Total invigorating sex. The kind of sex, your mama would feel ashamed about that you participated in, the kind of sex that knocks you out cold, battered and bruised, and intoxicates you like a drug, just as Madonna aptly put it: giving you fever. That way I would forget my problems for at least 4 or 5 days as I would be swimming in cloud nine...that kind of sex.

You can see I suffered a lot of degenerative emotions during the last month but it was all in good cause. Note that all this took place in a month when we were supposed to be celebrating Thanksgiving. I was thankful just to harbor these thoughts…they made me awaken with a smirk, a fulfilled expression and a happy heart all through the hard times. I was happy just to have experienced them.

Before the year runs out, maybe by next week, I shall make a compilation, greatest hits if you will of the following from this journal:

 5 best moments, 5 worst moments, 5 memorable moments, 5 best pictures of each person I love or have ahem...encountered in my sleep, and 5 excerpts from the 5 different stories that meant the most to me written by me this year.

Music:

Jill Scott: Experience, her live concert footage with an additional CD filled with jazz tracks, poetry, and a woman’s happiness when actually in love and loving her life, and her life’s partner. It is a must-have for any soul sister, Jill fan, and any woman who wants to hear about being true to yourself, your roots, and loving your inner self so much that real love can be emoted towards others in anything.

Movies:

Spy Game: Brad Pitt, Robert Redford…the plot thickens, the acting is superb, and Brad proves to be more than just a pretty face, his acting is rough and uncut and he exudes an energy and passion that one so young is not normally accustomed to. It is always a pleasure to watch Mr. Pitt, because he is an evolving actor that takes you on a ride with each role he plays, he tries to excel himself, put in enough that it is neither too much nor too little, but as much as to get you into the know of the emotions of the character he is portraying. I hope he gets an Oscar soon.