COVENTRY MUMMERS -

COVENTRY MUMMERS -

PLOUGH OR WOOING PLAY

EEZUM-SQUEEZUM

SERGEANT

TOM FOOL

FARMERS MAN

DOCTOR

THRASHER

HOBBY HORSE

LADY

DAME JANE

( ENTER TOM FOOL )

TOM FOOL:

In come I, bold Tom Fool.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen all

I hope you won't be offended at me

being so bold as to call.

I hope you won't be surprised

at these few words I've got to say.

For there's many more pretty boys and girls

to follow me in this way.

Hocum, Pocum, France and Spain.

In comes the Sergeant on his name. ( all the same )

( ENTER RECRUITING SERGEANT )

SERGEANT:

In come I, the recruiting Sergeant,

I have arrived here just now

with orders from the King,

to list all who follows horse cart and plough.

Tinkers, Tailors, Pedlars Nailers,

all the more to my advance.

The more I hear the fiddle play,

the better I can dance.

FOOL:

You can dance ?

SERGEANT:

Yes. I can dance, sing or say.

FOOL:

If you either dance, sing or say

I will quickly walk away.

( ENTER FARMER'S MAN )

FARMER'S MAN:

In come I, the Farmer's Man,

don't you see the whip in my hand ?

As I go forth to plough the land

I turn it upside down.

How straight I go from end to end,

I never make a baulk or bend,

and to my horse I attend, (T)

as I turn them round. ( CRACKS WHIP ) (X)

Gee ! Gee ! Whoa back ! Captain ( or any other horses name ) (T)

( ENTER LADY )

LADY:

Behold a lady bright and gay,

good fortune and sweet charms, (P)

so scornfully I've been thrown away

out of my true loves arms.

He swears if I don't wed with him,

as you understand.

He'll list him for a soldier,

and go to some foreign land.

SERGEANT:

Come all ye lads with a mind for listing. (T)

List and do not be afraid,

you shall have all kinds of liquor,

likewise a pretty maid.

Are you able and willing

to serve the King young man ?

FARMER'S MAN :

Thanks good sir for your kind offer,

time will quickly pass,

The health and wealth would very well suit me,

but I'm in love with this buxom lass.

SERGEANT:

This buxom lass will not maintain you,

her beauty will all fade away,

like the first rose of the summer

in the winter doth decay.

Ten bright guineas shall be your bounty

if along with me you'll go.

Your hat shall be bravely trimmed with ribbon,

you shall cut a gallant sho w.

FARMER'S MAN :

Now kind sir, I'll take that offer,

time along will sweetly pass.

Dash my rags if I'll grieve any longer

for this proud and saucy lass.

SERGEANT:

In your hand I place this shilling. (T)

On your hat I place this ribbon.

Now you are a King's man.

LADY:

Now my love has listed and joined the volunteers,

I neither mean to sigh for him,

nor yet shed one tear.

I neither mean to sigh for him,

and just to let him know.

I'll get another sweetheart

and along with him I'll go.

SERGEANT:

Madam, I have gold and silver. (Br)

Madam, I have a house* and land.

Madam I have rings and diamonds,

everything at my command.

LADY:

What care I for your gold and silver. (B)

What care I for your house and land.

What care I for your rings and diamonds.

All I want is a fine young man.

SERGEANT:

Now Madam, I desire to know if I am

(to be*) that young man.

For the pleasing of your fancy,

I will do the best I can.

I (will*) give you silks and satins,

all bought (here*) from India's shore.

And I will forever love you,

Pray what could I do (the*) more ?

LADY:

Pooh Pooh young man, (B)

you can't be of your right mind.

Give me the man with the ragged trousers,

who takes a girl in a sly corner.

( EXIT SERGEANT )

FOOL:

Aha ! Now you see this fair lady took her chance.

Please strike up the music and we'll have a dance.

Do you love me my pretty fair maid ?

LADY:

Yes Tommy, to my sorrow.

FOOL:

When shall be our wedding day ?

LADY:

Tommy dear, tomorrow.

FOOL:

Then we'll take hands and we'll make banns,

and we'll get wed tomorrow.

( EXIT LADY ) Friends......, (Br)

I've come to invite you to me and me wife's wedding.

and that which we like best

you'll have to bring with you.

For we are having a leg of louse,

and a mouse roasted whole.

A barley - chaff dumpling buttered with wool.

and those that can't nag it, will have to pull.

The tail - chine of a cockerel,

and 18 gallons of you best buttermilk

to rinse it all down.

I know what me and my lady likes. (B)

And what we likes best we shall have.

DAME:

In come I, Old Dame Jane

with a neck as long as a crane. (B)

Di-dabbing over the meadow.

Once I was a blooming maid

now I'm a downed old widow.

I've travelled from door to door

since all my joy was fled.

Long time have I sought thee,

and now I have got thee. (T)

Pray, Tommy, take thy bastard.

FOOL:

Bastard, Jinny, it's not a bit like me.

DAME:

It's nose, eyes and chin are as much like you

as ever it could've been.

FOOL:

What is it, a lad or a boy ?

DAME:

A lad !

FOOL:

Mine's all boys. Who sent you here Jinny ?

DAME:

The Overseer of the Parish.

Who said I was to give it

to the biggest fool I could find,

So I thought I'd bring it to you.

FOOL:

You had better go swear it to the Parish pump ! ( EXIT FOOL AND LADY )

( ENTER THRASHER )

THRASHER:

In comes I, old Thrashing Blade,

as all you people know (T)

my old dad learnt me (in*) this trade

just sixty years ago.

THRASHER:

I will.

SERGEANT:

Stand out thou proud and coxy comb* (B)

I'll make thy buttons fly.

I'll fill thy body full of holes

and by my sword you'll die.

THRASHER:

Draw out thy sword in haste,

for thy ribs I'll surely* baste*.

Thou silly ass thou feeds on grass

thou knows thou art a stranger*.

Thou lives in hope to guard thy coat,

and save thy body from all danger.

( THEY FIGHT AND SERGEANT IS KILLED )

FOOL:

Oh mercy, mercy, what hast thou done ?

Thou hast killed and slain my only son. (T)

Mine only son, my only heir,

canst see him lying* bleeding here,

(the lying bleeder).

THRASHER:

Five pounds for a doctor.

FOOL:

Ten for him to stop away.

THRASHER:

Fifteen for him to come,

if theirs one to be had anywhere.

FOOL:

Step in the Doctor. (C)

( ENTER DOCTOR ON A HORSE )

DOCTOR:

Here my boy, hold my horse.

My horse is a donkey, and very nervous at times,

so mind he doesn't swallow you,

and I'll pay when I come out.

THRASHER:

You a doctor ?

DOCTOR:

Yes, me a Doctor.

THRASHER:

How came you a doctor ?

DOCTOR:

By my travels.

THRASHER:

Where have you travelled ?

DOCTOR:

I have been to Itty - Titty.

Where there's neither land, house nor city.(WORKSOP)

Wooden churches, leather bells

and black puddings for bell ropes.

Where little pigs run about

with a knife and fork up their dummocks

squeaking "Who'll have a slice of hot rum punch ?"

FOOL:

What as far as that ? (T)

DOCTOR:

Yes a great deal further than that.

Also to two miles yon side of York,

where I cured an old lady called Mrs. Cork,

who tumbled upstairs

with an empty teapot full of cold boiling flour

and grazed her shin, just below her elbow

and made her stocking top bleed.

Also to my old Grandmothers cupboard,

where I've had many pieces

of mince pie and pork pie.

That's what made me such a fine big man.

THRASHER:

Fine big man, like me, Doctor ?

DOCTOR:

Yes as big as any two men half my own size.

Particularly when I get my hat off.

THRASHER:

What pains can you cure Doctor ?

DOCTOR:

Ipsey, pipsey, palsy gout, (T)

pains within and pains without.

Set a tooth, draw a leg.

Cure the pains in Old Toms head. (C)

Psychic cats, poisoned rats, (T)

heal the sick, cure the lame, (Br)

bring the dead to life again.

THRASHER:

Clever Doctor. Try your skill (J)

DOCTOR:

Thank you sir, and so I will feel his pulse.

THRASHER:

Pulse, man, the pulse doesn't lie there. (T)

DOCTOR:

Where would you feel ?

THRASHER:

The bridge of the neck,

and the back of the nose.

That's the hardest and softest part about him.

DOCTOR:

Funny place that.

His heart beats very slow. (C)

It beats nineteen times to the

tick of my watch going half once.

This man is in a very bad way.

He's in a very low way too.

Couldn't get a deal lower without

you digging a hole to put him in it.

He's been living very hard.

THRASHER:

Can you tell me what he's been living on ?

DOCTOR:

He's been living on green raw boiled potato

tops nine days all but a fortnight. (T)

He's been shipwrecked in a turnip field

and tried to cut his throat

with a bucket of cold water. (C)

Also he's swallowed his (T)

Old Grandmothers donkey and cart

and couldn't digest the wheels.

I have a box of pills..........

THRASHER:

By the way Doctor, what pills do you carry ?

DOCTOR:

These pills are anti-bilious pills. (T)

They can kill lice and mice,

and make a leg of mutton tremble half a mile away.

Take one at night and two in the morning (P)

and swallow the box by dinner time.

If the box don't cure* you, the lid will.

Aha I have another box here.....

THRASHER:

What does that box contain Doctor ? (T)

DOCTOR:

Splints for shrimps, crutches for lame grasshoppers,

spectacles for blind bumblebees,

and many other things.............

This man is not dead, he's only in a trance.

Come old fellow and lets have a dance. (J)

If you can't dance, we can sing,

so rise up old man and lets begin..

( ENTER EEZUM SQUEEZUM IF REQUIRED )

EEZUM:

In come I, old Eezum -Squeezum,

over my shoulder I carry my beezom.

In the other hand a whitleather frying pan,

don't you think I'm a funny old man.

We're all very hungry and all very dry.

We should like a sup of your beer,

and a bit of your pork pie.

( CAN ENTER JUST BEFORE SERGEANT OR THRASHER, OR AT END OF PLAY )

HOBBY HORSE:

Here comes Hobby-Horse,

a four-year old colt,

as fine a filly as ever was bought.

He can hutch and he can trot,

and he can jump a butter pot,

nine miles high without touching the sky.

General notes:

This play is collated mainly from the Bransford, (B), and Tollerton. (T) texts, with occasional interpolations from Brattleby, (Br), Clipsham, (C), Jerusalem, (J), and Plumtree, (P), texts.

The intention has been that each of the elements common to the play should be expressed in that dialogue in which it is represented at it's fullest and best.

The entertainment requirements of a modern audience have also been kept in mind, but where this is at variance with tradition, priority has been accorded to the latter. Otherwise, editorial tampering has been kept to the absolute minimum.

R.K.S. 1969

Performed by Greenman Morris in 1994 and the 1997 Red Zepher Festival

Greenman Morris Charitable Trust

70 Crummer Road

Grey Lynn

Auckland

New Zealand

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