TOM FOOL

LADY

DAME JANE

DOCTOR

and Other Mummers for Wedding ceremony

( ENTER TOM FOOL )

TOM FOOL:

In come I, bold Tom Fool.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen all

I hope you won't be offended at me

being so bold as to call.

I hope you won't be surprised

at these few words I've got to say.

For there's many more pretty boys and girls

to follow me in this way.

Hocum, Pocum, France and Spain.

In comes the Dame on her name. ( all the same )

DAME:

In come I, Old Dame Jane

with a neck as long as a crane.(B)

Di-dabbing over the meadow.

Once I was a blooming maid

now I'm a downed old widow.

I've travelled from door to door

since all my joy was fled.

Long time have I sought thee,

and now I have got thee.(T)

Pray, Tommy, take thy bastard.(B)

FOOL:

Bastard, Jinny, it's not a bit like me.(T)

DAME:

It's nose, eyes and chin are as much like you

as ever it could've been.

FOOL:

What is it, a lad or a boy ?(P)

DAME:

A lad !

FOOL:

Mine's all boys. Who sent you here Jinny ?(B&T)

DAME:

The Overseer of the Parish.

Who said I was to give it

to the biggest fool I could find,

So I thought I'd bring it to you.

FOOL:

You had better go swear it to the Parish pump !

(Fool chases Dame Jane off, she drops the baby)

LADY:

Behold a lady bright and gay,

good fortune and sweet charms,(P)

so scornfully I've been thrown away

out of my true loves arms.

Now my love has listed and joined the volunteers,

I neither mean to sigh for him,

nor yet shed one tear.

I neither mean to sigh for him,

and just to let him know.

I'll get another sweetheart

and along with him I'll go.

FOOL:

Now here is the man that is for you

I am but bones and rags

I have loved you for so long

So don’t waste your time with those other fags.

LADY:Give me the man with the ragged trousers,

who takes a girl in a sly corner.

FOOL:

Aha ! Now you see this fair lady took her chance.

Please strike up the music and we'll have a dance.

Do you love me my pretty fair maid ?(T)

LADY:

Yes Tommy, to my sorrow.

FOOL:

When shall be our wedding day ?

LADY:

Tommy dear, tomorrow.

FOOL:

Then we'll take hands and we'll make banns,

and we'll get wed tomorrow.

Friends......, (Br)

I've come to invite you to me and me wife's wedding.

and that which we like best

you'll have to bring with you.

For we are having a leg of louse,

and a mouse roasted whole.

A barley - chaff dumpling buttered with wool.

and those that can't nag it, will have to pull.

The tail - chine of a cockerel,

and 18 gallons of you best buttermilk

to rinse it all down.

I know what me and my lady likes.(B)

And what we likes best we shall have.

DOCTOR:

In comes I a Doctor

Dressed in this fine array

I am also a marriage celebrant

and will marry you today.

FOOL:

(shows Doctor the Janes dead baby)

Can you do anything with this?

DOCTOR:

No its a hopeless case

Throw it over your shoulder

Bring me my brass buggery box

That contains all that I need.

(In comes other characters and introduce themselves)

THRASHER:

In comes I, old Thrashing Blade,

as all you people know(T)

my old dad learnt me (in*) this trade

just sixty years ago.

EEZUM:

In come I, old Eezum -Squeezum,

over my shoulder I carry my beezom.

In the other hand a whitleather frying pan,

don't you think I'm a funny old man.

We're all very hungry and all very dry.

We should like a sup of your beer,

and a bit of your pork pie.

ST. GEORGE:

In come I St. George, a man of courage bold,

and by my deeds have won a crown of gold.

I fought the fiery dragon

and bought him to the slaughter,

and by this means I won the King of Egypt's daughter.

DOCTOR:

I’ve been to Itty Titty, France and Spain

and never with all the suffering and pain

have I seen such a love as great as this.

So now you are married lets all drink some, a toast

You may now screw the bride.

(They embrace and fall to the ground rything)

New Zealand

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