Internet Dating
The Internet has become the world’s largest dating service. Men and women from around the world get online and look for love, sex and romance. While I certainly am in favor of anything that allows people to reach out beyond their own environment and think the Internet is not the worst place to look for a date (both my ex and my current wife were met online), I think that there is not enough of an awareness out there as to the possible dangers of Internet dating.
Let me start by saying that when I refer to the dangers of Internet dating I do not intend for you to think that every person you meet online is a raging lunatic waiting to kidnap, rape and murder the people they meet online. News coverage today tends to focus on these instances and highlight the rare exceptions and paint them in a picture that appears to represent the majority of occurrences. That being said, I think that far too many people put themselves in a position of risk when dating over the Internet that they would not do in the real world. The following is a list of recommendations and guidelines that I would suggest people follow when dating online, but keep in mind that no set of rules is all inclusive, there are always exceptions and that when dating (both in the real and the cyber world) there is always some risk of both emotional, mental or physical harm.
RULE #1
The first thing to remember when talking with someone online is that no one is the same in real life. The Internet allows a degree of anonymity that the real world does not allow. In the real world everyone interact directly. Appearance, mannerisms and old-fashioned intuition go along way in determining whom we will and will not date in the real world. All of these factors help us decide whom we will feel safe going out with and who we think we should pass on. Mother nature has built into all of us a self-preservation alarm system that helps us determine acceptability. Granted, some people ignore their alarms, dismantle them outright or have alarms that don’t work quite as well as they should, but by and large the system works well for most people.
The Internet is the great neutralizer of the social side of our self-preservation alarm system. Online we meet people through instant messaging, chat rooms and personal adds. The people we use some sort of a nickname and often you can only find out their real name through them (and there is no guarantee as to their being honest). We cannot see the other person and get a feel for them. Sure its possible you might get sent their picture, but its entirely possible that the picture is not their own. The assumed anonymity of the Internet does as much to endanger online daters as it does to protect them.
The second danger of online anonymity is the fact that people just do not act the same as they would in real life. In a face-to-face conversation people tend to hold something back, there is a reservation to our actions that remains until we know the person we are talking to better, and even then we don’t always let everything show. When talking with someone online there is little reason to hold back anything. You can’t see the other person’s reactions to what you have told them, they are just a nickname and a series of written words. While I’m personally in favor of people being as open in their communications as possible, the reality is that if the online dating is going to translate into the real world than that same level of communication would have exist when the two people meet face to face. Most people come off much better over the Internet than they do in real life. The feeling of safety inherent with being anonymous allows us to be more relaxed and open than direct human contact.
So what is this rule? Don’t take for granted the information being fed to you. Time and time again I have met people in person who I had talked to online and found them to be totally different. On some occasions the people looked different than they had said, but most often their personality was totally different. Recently I had a friend who met someone online. They got along well and eventually they decided that they should move in together. My friend packed up and moved away, having never met the other person face to face. Inside of a month they were living in separate apartments. They just hadn’t gotten along well in person. I asked my friend what the problem was and she said that he just didn’t communicate with her the same way as he had online.
RULE #2
Be suspicious. I know it’s tempting to think that a relationship should be built on trust, but trust needs to be earned, especially from someone you may become intimate with. Watch for certain warning signs before you agree to meet with someone you’ve been talking to. Ask about where they work, where they live and what their real name is. If the person you are talking with refuses to give you any of this information it should send up an immediate warning flag. This information should not be secret to the person you want to meet, and there is really no reason not to give it out. I’m not saying you need to demand a social security number and a drivers license number, just that you should know something more about the person you’re thinking of meeting than what they look like and what their hobbies might be.
RULE #3
Be extremely cautious when going to meet someone you’ve been dating online. Most often either you or the other person will be required to travel some distance to meet one another. This is a recipe for disaster. I cannot even begin to list all of the horror stories that have been related to me about first meeting with someone they have talked to over the Internet. For the most part no one involved has been hurt, but there have been some instances where one or both of the people involved were put in a potentially dangerous situation.
Now, you actually want to meet the person you’ve been talking to? Well that’s okay, but there are some steps you should take to minimize your risks:
1) Pay for your own transportation. Buy your own tickets and your own rental car. If you depend too much on the other person for transportation you may find it difficult to leave until the other person is ready.
2) Stay in a hotel, not the other person’s house. By having a hotel room you will not be put into the uncomfortable position of having to make the decision of where to sleep at the end of the night. If you end up wanting to stay the night with the other person you’re only out the cost of the hotel room, but the security of having your own place to stay as an option is very important.
3) Meet in a public place. When you first meet, make it somewhere public like a restaurant. By doing this you give your natural alarm system a chance to survey the person you’re meeting. If you meet at your hotel room or his house you deny yourself any sort of security and safety that you had gained from getting your own room for the night.
4) Make sure people know where you are going, where you’ll be staying, who you’ll be seeing and the name and number of the person you’ll be meeting. Odds are that the information will never have to be used, but this safety net is certainly a worthwhile piece of insurance.
This list of rules and guidelines is anything but complete, and I hope that in time I can make improvements, but if what I provide here helps anyone out it’s worth it. I’ve seen to many people make foolish mistakes when dating over the Internet and I would like to think that maybe I can help keep a few people safe.