Antique's Numbness

The Barbarian homeland of Harrogarth! I've made it! Baal shall be stopped here and now. And after that, it's time for some nekkid skiing!

"Master, you really really should bundle up. You're bound to be frostbit," Kasim advised me.

"Kasim, everywhere I go I'm naked. I think I know a little bit more about it than you do."

"But, sir, Oak Sage has already frozen to death. And the vine cannot burrow through this permafrost."

Hmm, he was right, of course. Though I couldn't let that stop me. Some thawing potions ought to keep everything nice and unfrosty.

I heard Deckard Cain talking to someone, "*hic* L-l-liisten to meee here wo-*BURP*-man... y-yyou're gonna gimme some Pix... them or -"

"I'm sorry, Deckard, but we do not sell Thawing Potions here. Tyrael advised against it," a woman - Malah - told him.

I piped up, "No thawing potions?! How will I stay unfrosty?!"

"Goodness gracious! Heavens to Betsy! Jumpin' gehosafat! That man is naked!" the healer woman shouted.

A scrawny man dressed in black approached us. He had an evil air about him, "Hahaha! I've seen mice with fewer lice!"

"Nihlathak, get Qual-Kehk! This man is... get him out of here!" Malah begged.

"What's the matter? Afraid of a little..." Nihlathak closed his eyes and pursed his lips at the healer.

"Creep!" I shouted and gave him a good thwack with my cracked gnarled staff.

"Aggh! My teef! Youg brofe my teef!" the creepy man clutched his mouth and scampered off.

"QUAL-KEHK! HELP!! THIS MAN BEAT UP NIHLATHAK!!" Malah wailed.

Sheesh, no respect! Kasim and I ran through the raised portcullis and stepped out into the bloody foothills. With volcano I was literally able to vent my anger on the hapless demons. Bah, crazy Barbarian village... Wow, it's cold here.

While it didn't seem like such in town, outdoors it was clearly evident that Harrogarth was a town under siege. Baal would stop at nothing, barring good tactics and not under estimating the enemy, to prevent the Barbarians from following him. It seemed that a concentrated assault would easily destroy the town, but he attempted no such attack. Why do villains never use good tactics? The fool spread his forces so thinly that any decent adventurer could massacre them.

Well, no matter. My first priority seems to be getting the townspeople to warm up to me. Stopping the siege - the catapults - would be the most logical step, so I must seek out Shenk the Overseer. Next... well, I'm sure there will be a next.

Kasim bravely stood up to Shenk's crazed minions, allowing me to cause volcanic eruptions. Shenk watched in horror as his enslaved demons fell one after another. Once alone, Shenk tried to strangle himself with his own whip, though the whip was quickly incinerated by the heat of my volcano. Kasim skewered his pike through Shenk's head, ripping it off of its over-sized neck. And the moment Shenk died... all hell broke lose.

Carnival music came from out of nowhere and fireworks lit up the sky! Clowns drove up in a carriage and 18 of them emerged... it couldn't have been big enough to hold even ONE clown, much less 18! And acrobats cartwheeled around in their tight tights - "If you're going to look naked you might as well BE naked," I told them! - and did backflips over Kasim. These bizarre festivities ended abruptly when one of the acrobats flipped onto Kasim's up-turned pike. All the carnies disappeared as mysteriously as they had come.

Kasim was perplexed by both the performance and the ramifications, "Master, what WAS that? And who is going to pay to clean my pike? Nobody cleans off carnies for any amount of money!"

"I know not the answer to either of your questions."

Poor Kasim was stuck with his carnie-blood pike for quite awhile afterwards, but we shall get to that later.

Following Shenk's demise, we entered the Frigid Highlands. 'Twas verily frigid there - those that named it kid you not. And then we heard the wailing...

"-e-- u-! -e- u- ou-!"

It sounded absolutely ghastly! So Kasim and I decided to check it out. Nefarious flame-slinging imps tried to stop us. Oh, they were nasty alright! They had these large beasts - Crush Beasts - which they rode upon like elephants. In doing so, they would cast a mighty inferno upon us! 'Twas a fire hose in the most literal sense! Neither Kasim nor myself very much liked this place as the imps teleported spastically and their beasts of burden had a mighty threshold for pain.

And then we met... Thresh Socket. The name was non-sensical, but the brute was serious! He was a mighty Crush Beast who cursed us with a heinous damage amplifying curse. Kasim required much healing during the battle, but eventually the behemoth was felled. The wails came again...

"Help us! Let us out"

"Where are you? Are you inside of Thresh Socket?" I asked.

There was no reply.

"Help us! Help us! Help us!
Gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo!"

"Master, the voices seem... infantile."

"That they do, Kasim... Voices, are you still there? Where are you?"

"Gogogogogogletusoutgogogogogogohelpusgogogogoletusoutgogogo!
Gogogogogletusoutletusouthelpusgogogogogletusoutgogogogogogogo!"

"Those voices are apt to produce insanity, Master!"

But it was too late, "VOICES! Answer my question!"

*Voices are now hostile toward you.*

"Oh for-"

"GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!"

"Master, we should make haste from here."

"No, Kasim. We must find the source of these annoying voices!"

"But, master, the voices coul-"

"GO!!!!!!!!"

"Master... KILL THE BLOODY VOICES!!"

So we set out on our search for the incessantly whiny voices. We didn't have to search long, though. In visiting the area where we first found Thresh Socket, we found a prison quaintly named the Frigid Highlands Hotel.

"Look, Master, someone has captured Barbarians."

The prisoners saw us and said one thing, "GO!!"

"Kasim, these are not BARbarians. No, these are PUBLIC-arians!"

"No!! I thought they were only a myth!"

"They are as real as you or I, it seems!"

"GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!"

"Look at how they scream their lungs out at us, Kasim, when they could surely just hop over the wooden fence."

"Perhaps they are too stupid to figure that out?"

"Indeed."

"GOGOGO-"

"Shut up, damn you!" I howled at the fiends as I broke down their fencing. Kasim and I then charged in to massacre them, but the public-arians quickly opened a portal to town and vanished.

"Master, if they had town portal scrolls all along then why..."

"They are truly foul and malicious fiends, Kasim."

Twice more in our wanderings did we run into caged public-arians, and twice more did they escape us. We returned to town later and were thanked for driving the public-arians from the land, and for stopping the siege against the town. Larzuk said something about punching holes in my gear, but I told him that I had no use for such a skill. Qual-Kehk provided me with three runes: Ort, Ral, Tal. They could provide 30% Lightning, Fire, and Poison resistance respectively. Kasim was overjoyed with the runes and immediately stuck them into his 4-socket Gothic Plate. He said that he wished for a rune of cold resistance, but I had none for him.

Malah had resumed speaking to us. She told us that a townswoman, Anya, had disappeared and that we were to search for her or be imprisoned by Qual-Khek. Nihlathak had also disappeared, but Malah said he just went to see a dentist. So we were off to the Glacial Trail, where we found a Frozen River. And in that Frozen River was a popsiclized woman.

"H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hero....... N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nihlathak......"

"Nihlathak did that to you?"

"Y-y-y-y-y-"

But I was already in town, "Malah, we found Anya."

"Good, I have prepared for you this Thawing Potion. Give it to Anya."

"Erm, you make thawing potions? But what about the ones I wanted!"

"I don't like you enough to make you a Thawing Potion."

Oh, piss off with her. Kasim and I returned to Anya and fed her the potion. The ice melted and turned into vapor, which clouded the air. When the vapor vanished, we saw that Anya was gone. All that remained was a puddle of water on the floor.

"Master, she has been liquefied!"

"Er, this is bad. Hmm, I wonder if Oak Sage is spongy enough to soak it up."

"I do not believe that Oak Sage would appreciate sponge duty."

"Nonetheless, Oak Sage does not talk, and therefore he cannot protest."

Unfortunately, Oak Sage was nowhere to be found. So we returned to Malah and told her our tale of woe, and how Anya had turned into a puddle that Oak Sage would not soak up. Malah was horrified and had Qual-Khek throw us in prison. We were released shortly thereafter when Anya - who had been in town all this time - told Qual Khek that we had not killed her. Anya had apparently used a portal to town while the water vapor blinded us. The ingrate!

And do you know what she did next? She gave me a junky rare hat! Yes, that's right! It's junk and it's RARE junk! I mean, this is some rare junk. You're less likely to find junk this junky than just generic junk. Anyway, it was junk. Malah gave me a magic doily, but then took it back and gave me a old piece of paper instead. The paper read, "I can't give you any assistance, so you might as well have some resistance. -Malah."

And with that we pressed onward. Or, rather, we would have had Anya not cast Town Portal in town, sending us to a temple where many cult members had just committed a mass suicide! That's what it looked like at least. Until...

*Michael Jackson's "Thriller" begins playing*

"Master, what is that rhythmic sound?"

And then a voice rang out, "...THRILLA!..." and the horde of previously inanimate corpses uprose from the ground! They danced stiffly, though better than most people can dance. In the center of this production was one known as Pindleskin.

"Master, I know not what to make of this!"

"I know not either, Kasim, but I think we'd best be careful here."

So we assaulted the legion of the damned, killing them until they'd stay dead, finishing up by putting Pindleskin to rest.

But then the voice came again, "...THRILLA!..."

"Master, I thought we'd killed their leader!"

"I, too, thought that, Kasim, but the Pindleskin seems to be the pawn of another! Come, into the temple!"

We trampled through the catacomb-like interior of the temple. It was obviously defiled, as no sane being would allow undead to walk the halls of a holy place. All the while we heard the singing, and it became louder as we got closer. Finally, we came upon the vocalist...

*Nihlathak sings "Thriller"*

"Master, it's Nihla-"*SPLORCH* my bodyguard was interrupted in midsentence when a nearby corpse exploded, blowing Kasim into bits!

"KASIM!! You fiend!"

"I will protect my homeland! I will keep my end of Baal's bargain!... THRILLA!"

And he detonated a corpse nearby me, and sang. It hurt quite badly, but enough of my stamina remained to crawl through a portal to town. I resurrected Kasim, and we discussed Nihlathak. Kasim says it reminds him of a story he once heard about a "King of Pop," and the way Nihlathak detonates - pops - corpses, he could be none other!

And so we returned, keeping clear of the corpse land mines and closing in on Nihlathak. Kasim's pike speedily poked Nihlathak over and over, and my own volcanos erupted beneath the traitor. After that, I attempted to chill him with a Hurricane, and to smash him with Armageddon. He sang all the while, only now it was a deafening screech that chilled us to the bones. Kasim ultimately got sick of this endless wail, skewering Nihlathak and swatting him against a wall.

Nihlathak bellowed, "AHH!!! CARNIE BLOOD! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!" and he melted off of Kasim's carnie-bloodied pike and started soaking into the earth.

"How did he know your pike was covered in carnie blood, Kasim?"

"Perhaps he had previous experiences with it."

"Indeed... Kasim, do you know what this means?"

"I do not, Master, but I trust you'll inform me."

"We're to be jailed for murder again!"

"Gasp! No!" Kasim acted quickly, grabbing Oak Sage and sponging up Nihlathak. "We shall take it to town with us, and perhaps they can reconstitute him there."

In hind sight, that was not such a good idea for Oak Sage then became a juke box of 80s tunes. And, as it turns out, the townspeople didn't want Nihlathak back. They almost jailed us just for bringing him back, but they all ran off when Oak Sage started to play music.

We continued on our path through more ice caves, another midgety area, and yet another ice cave. That was when we ran into a few more adventurers, who encouraged us to help them slay a trio known as the Ancients. Truthfully, these Ancient fellows were not impressive. One of them simply sat and said "Nyuk" the whole time, another attempted to poke our eyes out, and the third hopped up and down like a kangaroo. I thought they were trying to make us laugh ourselves to death. Well, upon their death everyone gained a few levels, so at least they didn't waste our time.

It was then that I decided on my path in life - that is, my skill specialties. I shall become "The World's Worst Vacation Luck" personified! Hurricanes!... Volcanic eruptions... OAK SAGES!! Verily, all vacationers shall flee when they hear of my coming! BWHAHAHA! But that's not all, oh no! For now I summon my friend, Pooh!

Upon returning to town, I had Anya inscribe my name on my Cracked Gnarled Staff. AntiqueCupcake's Cracked Gnarled Staff has a nice ring to it, don't you think? But that is quite a mouthful, isn't it? I know! I shall have Larzuk bore holes in my staff so that I can name it with runes. Rifling through my stash, I came across a few promising looking runes. And... BEHOLD!

Being a braggart, I showed off my elite creation to some of the heroes who slew the Ancients with me. It would seem from their comments (and assorted giggles) that pronouncing its runic name would be harder than pronouncing its titled name. Hmm, that sort of defeats the purpose of having a runic name, doesn't it?

After a well-deserved rest (which was quite restless due to Oak Sage's constant spewing of 80s rock), Kasim and I plowed onward to Baal! Without outside assistance, we slaughtered his minions. Although I tend to remember Oak Sage and Kasim being slaughtered a few times in kind... At any rate, when Baal saw his minions splattering he scuttled off like the over-grown fiddler crab that he is. Naturally, Kasim and I couldn't let him get away that easily, so we grabbed a few buckets of butter and a nice vat of boiling water and followed him.

"My brothers will not have died in vain!" Baal said in his all-too-irritating voice.

Kasim charged Baal, plunging his pike into our dinner's carapace.

"AHH!! CARNIE BLOOD!! You cruel, CRUEL mortals!" Baal shouted and flung Kasim into the deep recesses of the Worldstone chamber.

"KASIM!! Noo!!"

I planted volcanos underneath him and watched him bake. His face slowly turned a nice crimson red from the sustained heat and he soon slumped over. I went to town and resurrected my fallen Kasim. He was in a good mood, however, and we returned to the Worldstone Chamber where Kasim dragged Baal's carcass over to our pre-prepared vat of boiling water where we finished cooking him. Applying generous slabs of butter, Kasim, Pooh, and I dug in. Or tried to, as we could not crack his shell. Sure, Kasim could put holes in it, but we couldn't rip it apart. And, mighty though he may be, Pooh simply couldn't crack the shell.

A celestial voice interrupted us, "Hello."

Kasim jumped up and ran over to Tyrael, whose wings were still crispy from the fireplace incident, "It is very good to be seeing you! Could we borrow that sword of yours to crack open the shell of this fiddler crab? You are welcome to dine with us, of course."

"Er... You mortals have to leave here. I'm going to destroy the Worldstone. It is corrupted and-"

We were hungry and had no time for this, so I snatched Tyrael's flaming sword and started hacking away at our delicious morsel. Tyrael attempted to intervene, but I would not have it, "Bah, get your own, you worthless butterfly man!" And he was swept away by a mysterious out-of-season hurricane. *wink*

Kasim, Pooh, and I finished our meal in peace and returned to town. (We left Tyrael's flaming sword in the vat of water for cleaning. The water doused it. Oops!) We were greeted no less coldly than before, and Malah would still not sell my thawing potions. It would seem that the townspeople were mad at us for eating an entire giant crab without them.

And so Kasim and I rested, as this time Oak Sage was caged in a sound-proof box. Pooh, however, was not tired at all. He proceeded to devour a few of Qual-Khek's finest morsels before we were run out of town. And so this part of the journey comes to an end. For like all good Prime Evils, Baal had a contingency plan in case of his death. The demise of the Lord of Destruction will not toll the end of our journey. For indeed, it is just beginning.

I got a few new skills in this act. :)

Armageddon: It causes a bunch of little meteors crash into the earth around you for a duration of time. The problem I had with it was that it was player-centric, meaning when cast it hits areas around you. From what I saw, it mostly hit the ground very near me. As a nudist, I didn't want to have to get close to monsters in order to damage them. So I shunned this and went with Volcano, which - while stationary - is targetable. (And, gosh, pumping it to slvl 15 really made a damage difference! *g* )

Grizzly: POOH! :) Having a castable tank is handy, and he's naked just like me! He's also a very tough little bear, and has a nifty knockback attack that makes him seem extra strong.

Hurricane: With immunities being part of life, I have to have more than just physical (Kasim/Pooh) and fire damage (Volcano). Seeing how I can't very well do Poison (Poison Creeper? I prefer my Solar Creeper.), Lightning , or Magic, I'm left with Cold damage from Hurricane and Arctic Blast. Arctic Blast requires you to stand still, isn't AoE, and just seems a lot more dangerous than Hurricane. Therefore, I chose Hurricane, a player-centric (it swirls around the caster and travels with you) cold damage skill. It isn't too bad.

Oak Sage: Ok, so he's not really a new skill, but pumping him gave him a new lease on life. Previously he was dying left and right, but with just a few points he could take a good number of hits before poofing out of existence. (It was also nice because Oak Sage seems to think he's supposed to tank for me when we already have two perfectly good tanks.)

This act was fun. My Cyclone Armor was easily killed by Imps, but it was an obvious help. If it was being destroyed often, that means it was absorbing 40 damage every time. That's a lot of damage it shielded me from. Finally choosing on what my main skills will be was a relief, and it took some of the burden off of Kasim. ;) Pooh was great to have around, and I liked him much better than the Wolves. (I tried the wolves briefly, but the dog pain sounds were unsettling.)

Oh, Anya's resistance bonus was cool. Whoohoo, 10%! :)

The switch in statistic pumping was made once Energy reached 125. The spell timers on Volcano and Hurricane were so long that I virtually never ran out of mana during a battle. So from that point on, I concentrated entirely on Vitality.

I went back and re-did the Ancients myself - solo. Baal was soloed, and I had no deaths there. I really can't remember whether or not I had deaths in other parts of the act, though I know I didn't die to the Ancients at any time. Anyway, if any deaths were incurred, they were very, very few.