MORE MAZZEL...
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When
I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud:
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
with a hangover.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for
pinochle.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese
restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else
to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make
sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel
better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in
the afternoon.
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.
JEWISH PERSONAL ADS .
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90..
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81. l
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern Orthodox. POB 98.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
Recently, there has been a discovery, as important in its way as the Dead Sea
Scrolls
It's a letter from 'Mary'....
From the place it was found, experts are fairly certain that this is THE Mary, proving
without doubt that, not only was Jesus Jewish, but that his mother was one of the earliest
of 'Jewish Mothers'...
Some of the old parchment has decayed and is unreadable....but the following extracts
remain...What follows is a translation...
Dear Rachel...
.....missing section....
So..you want to know about my little Yossele? (the 'goyim' call him Jesus, you
know)
I don't know where to begin, I'm telling you...
When I think of the trouble I had when he was born.. ...schlepping all the way to that
little village in the back of nowhere with Joseph (his real name is Yossel too, you know).
Joseph was wonderful to me that time....(he's not little Yossele's father though, you knew that...I can't tell you who his real father was, but let me tell you....he was an angel, an ANGEL!!!...you know what I mean!?)
Anyhow, like I say, we schlepp all the way to this place and then they tell me the hotel is booked up...some 'shickse' made a double-booking...and we end up in a BARN with the animals, nowhere to wash....nothing!!!...I was so ashamed...! And that's where little Yossele was born...
But you knew all that. Joseph, even though he's not the father, helps bring him up, we get him a good trade...he's very good with his hands...he can make ANYTHING with wood, I know it's a mother saying this, but little Yossele can make ANYTHING! He's a clever boy!
But does he thank us for everything!? Does he even work hard at his job we broke our backs getting him!? Feh!!! He goes off. I don't know where he is...After all we've done for him he can't even pick up a quill and write!!!
Listen, let him enjoy his life...you're only young once...but he COULD think of his parents once in a blue moon!
He hangs around with a funny crowd. I was worried for a while. He only seems to have men-friends. His hair is long and dirty and he goes around dressed like an Arab! To tell you the truth, when I see him I cross over the road!
I wish he wouldn't go with these low-lives. They'll only get him into trouble with the police...
If he comes here, I'm telling you, he has a bath or he doesn't go near the new living room suite!!!....
Now I hear he's got a new girl-friend...the one they call Mary Magdelene...a
pretty girl, but they say some funny things about her...But what would I know!? Here he
doesn't bring her!
He's a good-looking boy. He couldn't find a nice Yiddische Madel!? He's got to go
crawling after 'shickses'!?
Still...what do I know? I'm only the boy's mother....
***************************************************************************
Unfortunately...this is all that remains apart from the name at the bottom. The rest
has crumbled, so that it is unreadable. Scientist are doing their best, though, to prove
it's authentic
No Worry ?
Today is the tomorrow you were worrying about yesterday, so why worry.
In this life there are only two things to worry about. Whether you are
healthy or whether you are sick.
If you are healthy you have nothing to worry about, and if you are sick you
only have two things to worry about.
Whether you will live or whether you will die.
If you die, you only have two things to worry about, whether you go to
heaven or whether you go to hell.
If you go to heaven you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you will be so busy greeting your friends that you won't
have time to worry.
Yiddish Proverbs
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! - as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even
know what may happen to you
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take
no notice; should two tell you so,
procure a saddle for yourself
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor
can you sit on two horses with
one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may
safely lie abed 'til noon
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?"asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers,
not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a
left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?"
asks the info-bee.
"Great!" says buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."
The Suit
Yossel goes to a tailor to try on a new
custom-made suit. The first
thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at
the elbow and hold
them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more.
Yes, .. that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossel cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There
you go. Look
in the mirror-the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossel lurches out onto the street.
Reba
and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit!"
Overheard at a Conference of Reform Rabbis:
Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What?!? Change?
Heard from an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi:
A woman is riding a bus in the
Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits
down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks
and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat!
It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."