I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I woonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

Wives are like guns, keep one around long enough and youre going to want to shoot it.

Few personal problems cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "'Yall ain't gonna believe this chit..."

New Yorkers always have an attitude, because The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
 
Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman

PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house

Men can change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

The difference between tax avoidance & tax evasion: about 10 Years.

Woman wear very low-cut dresses and expect men to stare, then get ticked off when they do, Could someone explain this

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors   ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.