When I was 15 I was dating a 21 year old man, Richard. I was so crazy about him even though he told me that I was too young for him. I was a virgin when I first met Richard and he knew this. Over the next several months we ended up having sex. That is eventually what our relationship turned into- I was having sex with him because I liked him so much and hoped it would change the way he would feel about me. Well, after several months I remember I was late for my period. I never told anyone. I just kept waiting and waiting thinking it would eventually come. Finally, about 4 months later I decided I had to tell someone and find out what was wrong with me. So I told my best friend, Melanie, and Richard. We immediately went for a pregnancy test at a doctor's office in the next town over. I remember we had to leave and call back at a certain time that afternoon to find out the results. Later that afternoon I remember being on a pay phone outside of a grocery store calling for my results. I was so scared that I got my friend, Melanie, to call for the answer. She hung up and looked at me and said "it was positive." I cannot even begin to tell you what I felt at that moment. I didn't even cry. I just remember fear rushing over me. How would I tell my family? What would my friends think? How could I possibly have a baby at age 15 and raise it? So many things went through my head in that moment.

Well, Richard was waiting in the car and we had to go tell him the results. I don't even remember what he said. I just remember he offerred to pay for an abortion if that was my plan. I couldn't imagine it not being my plan at that time. I immediately started calling abortion clinics and made an appointment for a few days later. Richard took the day off work and drove me there. He waited there for me while they did the procedure. I remember it like it was yesterday. They took me in, drew blood, took a urine, told me I was pregnant, sat me in a room to wait, then I went in an office with some lady who was supposed to be a counselor and she asked me a few questions about my relationship with Richard. I'll never forget her asking me if I thought he really loved me because I had lied and told her he was my boyfriend. Then they took me in a waiting room type area with at tv and a few other girls/women and gave me a pill to take. It was supposed to keep me from being so nervous. I sat there a short while and eventually they called my name. I went into a room, got into a gown, they did an us and told me I was 15 1/2 weeks pregnant and had to have the procedure ASAP if I was gonna do it. At this time I think 16 weeks was the cut off time for this type of abortion.

The next thing I knew I was laying on a table with a female nurse standing beside me holding my hand. I asked her if it would hurt and she said it was just like severe menstrual cramps- that was a joke. Anyway, the doctor came in and put my feet in the stirrups and began injecting my cervix- which hurt like crazy. After that she began dilating my cervix with some type of rods and then I heard a loud noise come on like a vaccuum. I felt her inserting something inside of me and a sensation of her scraping inside my abdomen. It was so uncomfortable. I was in shock. I remember the nurse trying to keep my mind preoccupied by asking me questions about school, where I was from, etc. It was just like a dream.

After they finished they took me in a recovery room, gave me an injection in my hip and made me lay there for about an hour. I think I ate crackers or something. It was over. I was so glad- for the time being.

Richard was anxiously waiting for me in the lobby and I will never forget the look on his face when I came walking out to him. He was so worried and looked so hurt. I don't know that we really talked much about it except whether it hurt and when I needed to come back for a follow-up. He was very concerned for my well-being and stood by me like no one ever had.

Well, that was it- I thought. My life went on. I thought about it alot but never grieved or second guessed my decision. All the time, though, being a christian, I knew what I had done. I knew it was murder and that I had really sinned. I think I was just in denial for a very long time.They say grief will wait for you. It never goes away and I found that out this year.

It was 2 months after I got married and I found out we were gonna have a baby. My marriage was in turmoil already and I didn't know how this too could have happened. My husband and I had threatened seperation a few days before I found out I was pregnant so now what was I gonna do? I remember thinking "how could I have another abortion?" Still, I got on the phone and called around trying to decide what was the best thing to do. I even made an appointment but later cancelled it.

For about 2 months I had every emotion about this pregnancy that could be imagined. I wanted a baby but not under the circumstances of my marriage.

We tossed around the idea of seperation and single parenthood for numerous months and then we finally decided to stick it out for the sake of the child. Well, I started getting really excited. I was showing a little and able to wear maternity clothes- finally!! I even began feeling the baby kick one night while laying in the bed. I believe that was when it became real to me that I had a living baby inside of me. I was so amazed and excited. Nothing made me happier. Well, I was dying to know the sex of the baby so we made an appt for an ultrasound to determine the sex. I was 20 weeks the day we went in. I remember feeling so extremely nervous as we waited in the obstetricians office. I was so scared something was gonna be wrong. Finally, they called our name. It was time to find out what our precious one would be. I was so excited but really more afraid- now I know why. As the ultrasound tech was checking the baby she never hardly said a word. She just kept funny looks on her face. She mashed my tummy so hard I was afraid she was gonna hurt the baby. When she finished she said she couldn't determine the sex. My husband was on his lunch hour and told her he needed to get back to work and she firmly replied "NO! You don't go anywhere!!" She then said she needed to show the pictures to the doctor and would be right back. As soon as the door shut I was crying. I knew something was wrong. I just didn't know what it was.

A few minutes later the doctor walked in with a very serious look on his face. I remember he started talking about why they do ultrasounds and what they look for, etc., etc, and I said "What is it? I know something is wrong. Please just tell me the truth." He looked so sad and began telling me that the baby had a severe fetal-brain anomaly that caused the baby's brain to grow on the outside of it's head. I remember the next words as if I can still hear them, "It is not compatible with life. We need to interrupt the pregnancy." I was totally devastated. Another abortion??? How could this happen to me? I was shaking from head to toe, crying and praying out loud begging God to help me.

After I settled down a little the doctor sat me down and told me I was too far along to have a D&C. I would need to be induced and deliver the baby. He insisted I get a specialist's second opinion first.

For two days I sat at home with my baby inside me kicking and moving knowing it would not be there forever. I wished the kicking would stop so I could just forget about it until this was all over.

My dad, who is a minister, came over that evening and we played the tape for him of the ultrasound. I cried so hard knowing that my child was gonna have to die. I kept thinking about the abortion I had when I was 15. I hated the thoughts of it- and nobody knew about it so I couldn't talk about it. Anyway, my dad told me that evening, "Karen, do you believe that God can heal and work miracles?" Ofcourse, I answered yes because I do. He then said "Pray then, and ask God to heal your little baby if it is His will and if it is His will he will. If not then it wasn't His will for you to have this baby." I remember praying and begging God to have His way. I never once asked him to heal the baby for me. I don't know why but I never did even though I wanted Him to so bad. I guess I figured He knew what I wanted. But I believed that His will would be done no matter what I had to say.

Well, finally I went for the second opinion which confirmed what my obstetrician had told me.That day I learned also that I was gonna have a son. I named him while laying on the ultrasound table, Stephen William. The specialists also told me I could carry the baby until term (if it didn't end naturally before term) but that the baby would be stillborn or die in the nursery shortly after delivery. I was in so much shock I didn't know what to do. They never really give me the option. The next thing I knew I was on my way to the L&D at my local hospital. I was so scared and confused. I was afraid they were gonna want to do a partial birth abortion!! I even asked the doctor who reassured me that was not something they participated in. I was relieved. No one had told me what the plan was except that they were going to "interrupt the pregnancy as soon as possible." I had so many questions but didn't know where to begin. I began thinking it was my fault. Why was this happening to me? Was it because of the abortion I had? Were my and I being punished for our behavior in our marriage? What was the reason?

That evening, I signed into the hospital (where I work) and they began the induction. I remember praying and begging God to please not let my child suffer. All along I had peace in knowing that God was gonna take care of my son. I knew he would not let him suffer. At the same time though I had doubts about what I was doing. I felt so mixed up. By this time I was dazed. It was like a bad dream and I just wanted to wake up!! So many times I thought "is this really happening to me?" Well, two days later it happened. Stephen was born at 0345 am, Friday, May 26, 2000. He was stillborn as the doctor had said. I held him for a while and took several pictures. It was a day I will never forget. We even had a small memorial service and buried him in a place called Babyland in the local public cemetary. I visit there alot.

Well, the seconds seemed like years after this. I became so depressed. I actually began grieving over the abortion I had 12 years earlier. Thoughts of my other child also began going through my mind- night and day. I felt like I lost 2 children at once. Guilt began over taking me. The tears would never seem to stop falling. I wanted my children so bad. I wanted to hold them and see them. I wanted to be their mother. It hurts so much.

To this day, only 3 1/2 months later, I still mourn for my children. I regret that abortion more than anything I have ever done in my life. I wish I could give my life in exchange for my children's. I would die for their chance to live. I struggle everyday trying to forgive myself. It almost seems unbearable to think of what has happened to me. I know God forgives me but I feel like such a failure. Will I ever be able to get over this? I need as many prayers as possible.

I am so sorry this is so long. I hope you don't mind my sharing. I just needed to share with someone. God bless you. Please pray for me.
Copied with permission - 10-04-00

God Bless you Karen for allowing me to reprint your story which you sent to me after viewing this site. God has already forgiven you...there is only acceptance left on your part. It is your desire to help other young girls not make the same mistake you did and I believe God will help you accomplish your desire. May our loving God grant you the peace which you so desperately seek.
Eve Ray